Holy Crap, Three Posts In One Week?!

Even though she says my posts are getting more and more boring, Work Wifey is still being a faithful Work Wifey and still continues to read my posts on a regular basis, which is more than I can say for the rest of you people who have lives (geez, as if boring posts weren't enough, I'm trying to lose readers by complimenting the millions of non-readers out there who have better things to do right now).

In my defense, there just hasn't been much going on for me lately except work. Sure, I could talk about how I got these blue fuzzy computer monitor monster things with feet and antennae that have "Information Security is Everyone's Responsibility" on what looks to be a trail of toilet paper coming out of their ass. Or I could talk about how I courageously and single-handedly slayed the Ice Chomping Man and made him look for other things to chomp on (cucumbers, potato chips, tin canspretzels).

But who wants to read about that stuff anyways? It's not easy being creative, especially when you're sitting in front of a computer stuck at work at 8 PM while my non-readers are out on a warm and beautiful Friday night...

You Know I Had to Blog This

Judge Suspected of Masturbating in Court

OKLAHOMA CITY (Reuters) - An Oklahoma state judge frequently masturbated and used a device for enhancing erections while his court was in session, charges a petition by the state's attorney general seeking his removal. Oklahoma Attorney General Drew Edmondson filed the petition on Wednesday with state judicial authorities seeking the ouster of Sapulpa District Judge Donald Thompson, 57, for "conduct constituting an offense involving moral turpitude in violation of the Oklahoma Constitution," Edmondson's spokesman said on Thursday. The judge flatly denies the charges made in the petition, his lawyer, Clark Brewster, said on Thursday. He said the judge received a penis pump for his 50th birthday as a gag gift, which became a source of a running joke in the courthouse. In the petition, the attorney general charged Thompson used a penis pump, a device billed as providing sexual pleasure and promising better erections and larger penis size, during trials and exposed himself to a court reporter several times while masturbating on the bench. "On one occasion, Ms. (Lisa) Foster (Thompson's court reporter for 15 years), saw Judge Thompson holding his penis up and shaving underneath it with a disposable razor while on the bench," the petition reads. Several witnesses, including jurors in Thompson's court and police officers called to testify in trials, said in the petition they heard the "swooshing" sound of a penis pump during trials and saw the judge slumped in his chair, with his elbows on his knees, working the device. The witnesses said the pump sounded like a blood pressure cuff being pumped up. According to the petition, Thompson admitted he had a penis pump under the bench during a murder trial but he told investigators it was a gag gift from a friend...

...Sure it was just a gag gift. Taking a page from Austin (another Austin Powers reference): "It's not mine, really it's not."

Just goes to show that mixing business with pleasure gets you in trouble.

Coffee Talk

Having changed work hours, the coffee mug has welcomed me back with open arms, errr handle. Yes, Dunkin' Donuts' stock has risen since I personally re-introduced the return of my imaginary trademarked coffee, the X-tra large coffee X-tra sugar X-tra cream, or the "X-X-X." I've become quite the celebrity as its gotten to the point where I walk in and out of my favorite Indian restaraunt (next to Subway and Seven Eleven) without uttering a single word. Yeah, it's the ESP psychic telepath kinetic link we share. Or it might be that I am probably one of the most predicatable people on this planet. My money's on the latter...

And Starbucks. That evil amoeba of a corporation which has engulfed practically all local mom and pop coffee shops. Not to fear for they cannot avoid my coffee wrath. Coffee bitches (a.k.a. baristas) cringe as they have to take my custom-made-to-order-not-on-the-menu frappucino. Since the amount I'd ideally like to pay for lunch is the amount I'm spending on my overpriced coffee drink, at least give me the satisfaction that my green apron wearing servants are suffering in hell for selling their soul to the evil greedy corporation based in Seattle's Space Needle (perfectly depicted in the 2nd Austin Powers).

Where's the Justice?

Man Commits Suicide After Sex with Hen

LUSAKA (Reuters) - A 50-year-old Zambian man has hanged himself after his wife found him having sex with a hen, police said Friday. The woman caught him in the act when she rushed into their house to investigate a noise. "He attempted to kill her but she managed to escape," a police spokesman said. The man from the town of Chongwe, about 50 km (30 miles) east of Lusaka, killed himself after being admonished by other villagers.
The hen was slaughtered after the incident.

OK...Man gets his jollies...Woman's life is spared...So why is it that the hen is the only one being punished?...

And how do you have sex with a chicken? Carl, having lived on a farm in Wisconsin and no doubt being quite the stud with farm animals, please share...