Fun With Weed!

While "serious" card players are "all in" the middle of this Texas Hold'em craze, there's a small but growing group of people who want to mess with Weed! ... the card game. The game is just as addictive as the medicinal herb, just without the contact high (so I've heard).

Us laid back people aren't interested in the money, because there's no money to be won. We're more interested in farming our crops and making sure that our garden isn't affected by dandelions, po-leece busts or even worse, the very dangerous Potzilla, a monster that threatens to take all our plants.

As their new card game spokesperson, I say, "Get Weed! and chill, dude."

Here We Go Again

Another August trip to Washington kicks off the end of my summer and the return of da blog. What the hell happened to Blogger? All these changes and new toys to tinker with makes me feel like an old geezer who can't cope with technology.

As for my most recent vacation, one word can sum it up - waiting. Case in point: waiting for my 3.5 hour plane ride ordeal of hearing an over-the-hill man miserably fail at hitting on the (much younger) girl sitting next to him to end. I knew not being around annoying people wouldn't last...

A Moment of Silence for this Patient, Please
 
 
Crazed surgeon amputates patient's penis, chops it up
 
BUCHAREST (AFP) - A Romanian surgeon who underwent a fit of madness while operating on a man's testicles proceeded to amputate his penis and cut it into three pieces.   The surgeon, Naum Ciomu, was said to be a senior member of the hospital staff and a professor of anatomy.   He had been operating on a 34-year-old man for a testicular malformation when he committed the act, hospital officials said Friday.   "We are shocked by what has happened. It is the first time we have had such a case," said Sorin Oprescu, head of the Bucharest emergency hospital where the operation took place.   Doctor Ciomu had been banned from entering an operating theatre for two months pending the results of an investigation by the medical council, Oprescu said.   Meanwhile the wife of the unfortunate patient said she was suing Dr. Ciomu.

Holy Crap, Three Posts In One Week?!

Even though she says my posts are getting more and more boring, Work Wifey is still being a faithful Work Wifey and still continues to read my posts on a regular basis, which is more than I can say for the rest of you people who have lives (geez, as if boring posts weren't enough, I'm trying to lose readers by complimenting the millions of non-readers out there who have better things to do right now).

In my defense, there just hasn't been much going on for me lately except work. Sure, I could talk about how I got these blue fuzzy computer monitor monster things with feet and antennae that have "Information Security is Everyone's Responsibility" on what looks to be a trail of toilet paper coming out of their ass. Or I could talk about how I courageously and single-handedly slayed the Ice Chomping Man and made him look for other things to chomp on (cucumbers, potato chips, tin canspretzels).

But who wants to read about that stuff anyways? It's not easy being creative, especially when you're sitting in front of a computer stuck at work at 8 PM while my non-readers are out on a warm and beautiful Friday night...

You Know I Had to Blog This

Judge Suspected of Masturbating in Court

OKLAHOMA CITY (Reuters) - An Oklahoma state judge frequently masturbated and used a device for enhancing erections while his court was in session, charges a petition by the state's attorney general seeking his removal. Oklahoma Attorney General Drew Edmondson filed the petition on Wednesday with state judicial authorities seeking the ouster of Sapulpa District Judge Donald Thompson, 57, for "conduct constituting an offense involving moral turpitude in violation of the Oklahoma Constitution," Edmondson's spokesman said on Thursday. The judge flatly denies the charges made in the petition, his lawyer, Clark Brewster, said on Thursday. He said the judge received a penis pump for his 50th birthday as a gag gift, which became a source of a running joke in the courthouse. In the petition, the attorney general charged Thompson used a penis pump, a device billed as providing sexual pleasure and promising better erections and larger penis size, during trials and exposed himself to a court reporter several times while masturbating on the bench. "On one occasion, Ms. (Lisa) Foster (Thompson's court reporter for 15 years), saw Judge Thompson holding his penis up and shaving underneath it with a disposable razor while on the bench," the petition reads. Several witnesses, including jurors in Thompson's court and police officers called to testify in trials, said in the petition they heard the "swooshing" sound of a penis pump during trials and saw the judge slumped in his chair, with his elbows on his knees, working the device. The witnesses said the pump sounded like a blood pressure cuff being pumped up. According to the petition, Thompson admitted he had a penis pump under the bench during a murder trial but he told investigators it was a gag gift from a friend...

...Sure it was just a gag gift. Taking a page from Austin (another Austin Powers reference): "It's not mine, really it's not."

Just goes to show that mixing business with pleasure gets you in trouble.

Coffee Talk

Having changed work hours, the coffee mug has welcomed me back with open arms, errr handle. Yes, Dunkin' Donuts' stock has risen since I personally re-introduced the return of my imaginary trademarked coffee, the X-tra large coffee X-tra sugar X-tra cream, or the "X-X-X." I've become quite the celebrity as its gotten to the point where I walk in and out of my favorite Indian restaraunt (next to Subway and Seven Eleven) without uttering a single word. Yeah, it's the ESP psychic telepath kinetic link we share. Or it might be that I am probably one of the most predicatable people on this planet. My money's on the latter...

And Starbucks. That evil amoeba of a corporation which has engulfed practically all local mom and pop coffee shops. Not to fear for they cannot avoid my coffee wrath. Coffee bitches (a.k.a. baristas) cringe as they have to take my custom-made-to-order-not-on-the-menu frappucino. Since the amount I'd ideally like to pay for lunch is the amount I'm spending on my overpriced coffee drink, at least give me the satisfaction that my green apron wearing servants are suffering in hell for selling their soul to the evil greedy corporation based in Seattle's Space Needle (perfectly depicted in the 2nd Austin Powers).

Where's the Justice?

Man Commits Suicide After Sex with Hen

LUSAKA (Reuters) - A 50-year-old Zambian man has hanged himself after his wife found him having sex with a hen, police said Friday. The woman caught him in the act when she rushed into their house to investigate a noise. "He attempted to kill her but she managed to escape," a police spokesman said. The man from the town of Chongwe, about 50 km (30 miles) east of Lusaka, killed himself after being admonished by other villagers.
The hen was slaughtered after the incident.

OK...Man gets his jollies...Woman's life is spared...So why is it that the hen is the only one being punished?...

And how do you have sex with a chicken? Carl, having lived on a farm in Wisconsin and no doubt being quite the stud with farm animals, please share...

The Bare Minimum

Did you know:

* There is over 250,000 words in the English language.

* About 170,000 words are used somehow in everyday language.

* Approximately 50,000 words are considered obsolete.

* The remaining 30,000 words are words derived from other words.

* The vocabulary of an average person is 5,000 - 6,000 words.

So isn't it kinda strange how you can keep a conversation going with certain people for a long period of time just by using the same 7 words (Yay, yup, ok, uh-huh, really, right, cool) over and over? For example (and cookies for you if you know who "Anonymous" is):

Anonymous: You're gay
Me: Yay
Anonymous: Yay for the gay
Me: Yup
Anonymous: I've got somethin' to tell ya
Me: OK
Anonymous: Ramble, ramble, ramble, blah, blah, blah
Me: Uh-huh
Anonymous: Ramble, ramble, blah, blah, ramble, blah
Me: Right
Anonymous: Ramble, blah, blah, ramble, ramble, blah
Me: Really? Cool <---- (Extra points for using a multiple word combo)

This continued on for a good 20-30 minutes. So why bother with 250,000 or 170,000 or even 5,000 words when we really only need these 7?

A Week in Minnesota

Hmmmm, I really should be doing a formal write-up for my superiors to read aboot (damn Minnesota accent), but before I do that, maybe I should tell the real story (yes, for only a modest fee, there really are privileges to being a member of my po-...whoops wrong site)...

***Begin exclusive***

Sunday: Ominous beginning as shuttle bus driver tries to convince me that his other job is going to take off any day now and that I should join his network marketing campaign. I kindly decline and he says something to the extent of me regretting my decision to turn down a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Just great, held hostage by a Minnesota shuttle bus driver.

As I settle into my hotel room, I begin to realize that I am hungry. From my hotel room vantage point, I see a Denny's and another restaraunt called Cattle Country. Cattle Country. That has got to be the 3rd worst name to name a restaurant (Al's Fun in the Bun is tops, with Booby's a close second). Only one problem with Denny's: it's on the other side of the highway. To the left, highway. To the right, more highway. I have no car. Don't want to deal with evil shuttle bus driver again. Taking a cab to Denny's is ridiculous. So how the hell do you get to the other side? I tried to think of the punchline to "Why did the chicken cross the road?" for a clue to no avail. Settled for Cattle Country which was only across the street. After two 32-ounce beers, my Sunday in Minnesota was finally over.

Monday: Woke up wondering why the room I got didn't come with a fridge. Janet and Quinn had fridges in their respective rooms, why didn't I? Not only did I not have a fridge, turns out that I got a room especially designed for handicapped people. The toilet was unusally high so that the wheelchair-confined could easily scoot from their wheelchairs to the toilet and vice versa. The shower had 3 railings for the disabled to cling onto. And there was no showerhead. Just one of those mobile spray hose thingy's that you could clamp except there was nothing to clamp since the clamp thingy was broken off. Was someone trying to tell me something? No worries, my slight anger subsided after drinking at least 7 beers (I stopped counting at 5) that night.

Tuesday: Today I learned, among other things, that we are the inventors of McDonald's breakfast burrito. To show my pride, I decided to take a break from beer tonight and do something more productive, so I went to the casino (which did not serve alcohol, thus the beer-free night). To prevent myself from losing a lot of mon-ay, I pondered whether or not shuttle bus driver (a different one) really slipped and "accidentally" gave me his home number. Ughhh, and I wasn't acting "happy" this time either.

Wednesday: Spent much of my day playing with a cool light pen I received that had fiber optic filaments which allowed it to change different colors when pressing a button. Sometimes it would even change colors on its own. I came into Minnesota looking for answers, but halfway through the week I have nothing but additional questions: How does the cool light pen change colors on its own? How do you get to the Denny's across the highway? Why did the chicken cross the road?

Celebrated Cinco de Mayo with my fellow work friends at a bar in the Mall of America. People were amazed at how fast I can drink a beer. And I was on TV!!! My 5 seconds of fame on TV was spent saying, "Go Timberwolves!" (because the TV guy told us to). Oh btw - lesson learned - don't spend Cinco de Mayo in Minnesota.

Thursday: Because I never received an answer to my "How do you get to Denny's?" question, I went to Cattle Country for dinner where I literally ate all alone as everyone was home watching the final Friends episode. To celebrate the final episode, more beer...

Friday: Stupid taxi driver thought he was ripping me off when he took the long way driving me back to the airport. Then I pulled out the corporate card. Stupid driver, you aren't ripping me off, you're ripping my company off. Hah hah, now I get the last laugh. Mu-hah-hah-hah...

***End exclusive***

Am I Wrong?

First off, thanks to work wifey Michelle for confirming what I have been hearing in my head over the last few months - BORING. Yah, Brain Droppings has gone pretty stale since the onset of WrestleMania depression back in March. WrestleMania depression must have set in for Carl and Eric too; though they aren't wrasslin' fans, the thought of missing an opportunity to see oily, grown-up men grabbing and attempting to pin each other has caused both to become truly "happy," which must be the reason why neither queer has posted anything lately on their respective blogs...

...Back to moi...I don't typically buy clothes* unless it's on an as-needed basis, but since I'm travelling to Minneapolis for the week, I thought it would be a good idea to wear some genuinely fresh work clothes (i.e. not Febreze'd and not specially designated "the one" for the day because it was the shirt or pants with the least amount of wrinkles). And since I don't typically buy clothes, I went to a store that I deemed "work clothes worthy": JC Penney's. And since I don't typically buy clothes, buying almost $400 worth of clothes for only about $250 because everything I picked up was on sale so majorly kicked ass....

And since I don't typically buy clothes, what I did when picking out clothes was find a style that I thought was OK (because any guy that "likes" a style is not a guy), and pick up a couple clothes of that style, just in different colors. So, when all was said and done, I bought 3 pairs of the same style pants in different colors, 2 crew neck shirts in different colors, 2 polos in different colors and 2 button-up shirts in different colors. I know this is a pretty "happy" question to ask, but is this clothing taboo in a way similar to Avi wearing dark colored pants with white gym socks? Just asking...

*As opposed to renting clothes, which I have never done in the past, nor plan on doing in the future

Know Your Role and Shut Your Mouth

Better Left Unknown you've done it; you have successfully gotten me to devote my worthless time to replying to your comment from a few posts ago. But instead of "proving myself" to you, I'm going to go one step farther and prove to everyone who reads this that I'm not dellusional - fucktards really do exist...and you are an example of one.

If there's two things I can't stand, it's naivety and ignorance. Naivety is forgivable; I pity the fact that you live a very sheltered life. It's sad that you can't relate to things that go beyond your personal experiences. It's also sad that you have just enough brain cells to formulate a single sentence and can't articulate any farther. I'd like to know why you said what you said and discuss it, but I think it's pretty obvious that all you want to do is trash talk like a little whiny bitch (and yes, that was harsh).

And then there's your ignorance. If you're going to rip on someone, at least know what you're talking about. Uneducated one, there's a difference between ethnicity and nationality. I'm Filipino American. That's my nationality, and that's what I'm proud to identify myself as. Ethnicity is a class of people. Since you never go out, you probably have never filled out a form asking for your ETHNICITY. Since I attempt to interact with society (although usually not willingly), I have filled out many forms with this question and respond with Asian/Pacific Islander. However, there are a few differences that differentiate Asians and Pacific Islanders. And because of those differences, I identify myself as being more Pac Islander than Asian. "Fucktard" needs to be added on to the choices because your class of people is growing at an alarming rate.

This whole ethnicity vs. nationality issue doesn't even bug me. What does bug me is why you choose to focus on what I am rather than who I am. (Cena 5-knuckle shuffle) You don't know me! While I'm all for being proud of your origins, it's disturbing to me that people outwardly show their pride in a way that puts other people down. I live in a city where practically every nationality has a day to celebrate their pride. Even though traffic sucks, I'm fine with it. Some people choose to make their day-long celebration a week-long one, however, and that is not cool with me. Other people will take it the wrong way, intentional or not.

Stop being selfish and think of other people, it's a simple concept. Even Carl takes the rainbow cock off his coffee table when it's not gay pride day =)

The Simple Life

So yah, Friday was my birthday (much thanks to Cathy for reminding me of that). Birthdays, for me, aren't so hard to take. There's really only 3 ages in life - can't drink (before 21), can drink (after 21), and can drink some more (retirement). I think I'm going through a mid-life crisis because at the "can drink" age, I found myself celebrating in "can't drink" ways. Here's the rundown on the birthday festivities (which always seems to be a days-long celebration):

Friday
-Basketball
-Miniature golf
-Mitty's, a local bar

Saturday
-Cubs game
-Batting cages
-Mike's Ale House, my new favorite bar
-Bowling

Sunday
-Picnic at the Little Red School House
-Ice cream at Plush Horse
-Dinner with family at China Chef

So for my birthday, I'm thankful once again for not being a celebrity. Thank goodness birthdays only occur once a year. Now I can crawl back into my hole and resume the life of a hermit once again....I wish...

I Need Your Help

Over the last few months I have been in self-denial over the realization that I guess everyone around me pretty much knew. Throughout the backlash, I've held my head high through all the criticism, telling myself that I am a decent person, and that I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me. But sometimes the truth hurts, and it's about time that I come clean, so here it goes....folks....I'm....sexually frustrated cinematically challenged.

Yes, I am the movie deprived one. I am the "not everyone" person in a conversing group of people in the statement, "Sorry cool people of the world, we can't discuss this cool movie because 'not everyone' has seen it."

I'm tired of the same but feigned response: "YOU haven't seen the movie?" (like the movie was written, directed and produced just for me). Or how 'bout this truly classic response:

"You haven't seen the movie? It's OK. You're Asian." Now that statement is so wrong. For the record, I am NOT Asian. I am a Pacific Islander (because Hawaiian is not an ethnicity). There is a difference.

So now that I've come clean, I need your help (which is pretty much anyone remaining after the extermination of pretty much my entire reader base over the last month). By hook or by crook, I will become cinematically learned...

...And with my DVD burner and Blockbuster Rewards membership, I don't think I'm choosing "by hook"...

Now if you can just provide me with a few movie titles, I'll be well on my way to overcome this brutal handicap of mine.

Thank you for your support.

Happy Easter

Yet another story from the "Back in My Day" files" for your reading enjoyment:

FLINT, Michigan (AP) -- A group of children hunting for Easter eggs Saturday during a church event found two loaded handguns outside an elementary school. Flint police said officers were called to the scene and also recovered a BB gun and a broken toy gun on the grounds of Gundry Elementary School. No one was injured, Sgt. Michael Coote said. One of the guns discharged when it was dropped, according to a police report, but it was unclear who dropped it. The pastor of Ruth Street Baptist Church told WJRT-TV that one of the handguns had a bullet in the chamber, and the other handgun's clip had bullets in it. "It's terrible that something like this has happened," Pastor Namon Marshall told the station. Coote said he did not know how long the guns had been in the park. Police opened an investigation after confiscating the weapons.

Ummm, yeah....I wasn't fortunate enough to ever participate in an Easter egg hunt as a child, but I know that "back in my day," finding a gun in the middle of a kiddie game just wouldn't happen. Where's the innocence in today's world? It amazes me that we live in a world where the rapid advancement of technology is supposed to make our lives better, yet we still find ways to make our lives more stressful, and thus seemingly less worthwhile. Even worse, we expose our youth to the reality that with life, there is also death. Whether they realize it or not, our youth then learn that death is inevitable, so they fear it. This fear of death becomes a growing anger and hatred for that which, perceived, is out to get them. If adults young and old can't even understand the relationship that exists between death, anger and hatred, how do we expect our growing future to even comprehend? The answer is, "They can't."

Ice Breakers

Contrary to popular belief, I am a shy person when it comes to meeting new people. Yes, I do give people working the toll booths more attention (in a non-sexual way) than the common driver. And yes, I reward restaraunt servers well for the (cough, cough, non-sexual) services I make them do for me. But as anyone who has visited the old form of my website (version 2.0) and remembers my emotional "Ode to the Busboy," people fail to realize that the individuals doing these important tasks are people too, and probably don't get the appreciation they rightfully deserve...

Enough warm and pointless attention to those losers, back to me...so yeah, I'm a shy guy. And to at least one person who shall remain nameless, I'm a boring one at that. BTW, I hope the wrath of Erwin hasn't hit you hard...yet, Becky. Feel better...while you still can =)

Well, I have to thank two wonderful individuals for helping to overcome my shy and boring state at Mrs. Kulash-Welling-Bloom- (and if lesbian marriages become legal in Illinois) Garner's gala event over the weekend. While the celebrity hostess was busy giving tours of her mansion, these two made me feel welcome, like I was right at home. Although the center of conversations, they were willing to give me some attention. One even made me dinner!

Much appreciation goes out to the charcoal grill and beer keg. They rock!

Donde Esta?

Where did I go? Where did everyone else go? Wow, a startling revelation: Less people visit my blog when I do not post as often. What's up with that?

Lately I've spent a lot of my time working at home on my computer. Since I've been geeking in, I haven't gone out. And since I haven't done anything interesting as of late, there just hasn't been very much going on that I would deem blogworthy.

Oh well, summer is quickly approaching and things will be going again like a styrofoam cup on a paper plate on a snowy day. I will leave you with something to ponder...

Question of the Day: Whoever makes it, tells it not. Whoever takes it, knows it not. And whoever knows it, wants it not. What is it?

My, Have Times Changed

(AP) -- Police in Miami say it wasn't oregano that a five-year-old brought to school and sprinkled over a friend's lasagna -- it was marijuana.

A monitor intervened, and the food was confiscated before the other boy had a chance to eat it. Police say it's unclear whether the kindergartner even knew what it was, although they say he tried to hide the bag when a cafeteria monitor approached.

Authorities are investigating the boy's family.

Meantime, there's a similar case in Indianapolis. Authorities say a four-year-old showed crack cocaine to his pre-school classmates, saying it was flour.

Police say the drugs are worth up to ten-thousand dollars. They're still searching for the child's parents, who both have criminal records.

Man, I must be getting really old because I find myself saying the phrase, "Back in the day..." more and more. Back in the day, trading sandwiches with a fellow classmate was the thing to do when you didn't like your lunch. Nowadays, kids are settling for their own lunches, but are offering their special home herbs to friends with less tasty lunches. Is school cafeteria food so terrible that mind-altering drugs are needed to make them taste better? I guess dousing all my meals with ketchup or A1 steak sauce just doesn't cut it anymore...

...And show-'n-tell? Back in the day kids used to oogle and ogle at the brightest, shiniest toys brought to school. Bringing a bag of booger sugar to school? What's so cool about that?

An Observation in Cynicism

Why can't we all take things for what they're worth? Yes, that sounds pretty hypocritical coming from my mouth since I have a tendency to read between the lines and search for deeper meanings that may or may not exist (usually the latter). Some things are just meant to be simply because they are. And sometimes no reason is needed because it simply is not necessary. What it is is what it is (sometimes)...

Case in point: Eric and I drove to a Chicago Rush arena football game today without tickets. We were planning on getting tickets at the arena's box office or finding some scalper who had decent seats. As we were approaching the box office line, we noticed a scalper at the back of the line trying to sell off some tickets. And as the scalper was about to make a deal, out of nowhere comes a guy passing out tickets for free. Not only were the tickets free, but they were also for pretty good seats. And after this courteous gesture by some angel sent down by the arena football god, some dumbassess still had the audacity to question the sincerity of the whole thing.

"Just take the tickets man," was my response. Don't search for hidden agendas because there simply are none. What is it with people (especially in Chicago) second-guessing the obvious? Ignorance is bliss, but it doesn't apply to naive twits that sadly make up a majority of the world population...

Here's two questions for ya (think fast):

1. (From the last post) You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

2. You are participating in a race. If you overtake the last person, then you are...?

Murphy's Erwin's Law

To the person who first recommended that one should be at the airport at least two hours before his or her flight, you are a freakin' genius. I have decided to devote the rest of my life to spread awareness of the evils of not being at the airport at least two hours prior. Here's why:

1. 99% of the driving population can't drive. "Hey there ma, there's a truck on dem dere side of the road. It may not be roadkill but it sure is ex-sah-ting to see the poor trucker fella's blinkers go off. Yee dawg-ee" (Having worked retail for 5 years, I'm well-versed in hick). State governments need to add an extra section to the driving exam to test for common sense. It can even be one question, but you only have 2 seconds to answer:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

2. More on common sense, who the freakin' hell does road construction in the middle of morning rush hour? Following in the example of Chicago, that's the time construction crews are on break. Of course, they're also on break for pre-breakfast, breakfast, pre-lunch, lunch, pre-dinner, dinner, dessert and the afternoon rush hour. They may work like hobbits (including the pipeweed smoking), but they sure do get paid damn well for it. Everywhere else take note.

3. So I made it to the airport with an hour left before my flight. I checked my bag in with no problems. I'm in the clear right? Too bad there was a line as long as Shaquille O' Neal's big black bitch splitter just to search the carry-ons. It took about 45 minutes to get to the front of the line, which is probably the amount of time to climb Mount Shaq, isn't that right Carl???

4. 15 minutes left before my flight leaves and I'm finally a few persons away from getting my carry-on checked out. The gameplan now is simple - be really easy going with the friendly security people so as to not attract suspicious attention for an additional search and then dart like a deranged lunatic to my plane which started boarding 20 minutes ago. I somehow failed to factor in the 70+ year old fogey standing at the front of the line who to me conveniently collapsed on the floor. All security halted checking bags to give the guy medical attention, and while everyone was like, "OMG! OMG! Is he OK?", I was like, "OMG!, OMG! I'm going to miss my freakin plane!" Luckily, he got up after a minute and security resumed checking bags as normal. Rather than a heart attack, it turns out that old geezer man's peg leg wasn't put on right and gave out on him.

I was able to make my plane as they were closing it's hatch. This wasn't before being included on a conversation with a bunch of 50-something flight attendants talking about how they were wearing green thongs in honor of St. Patrick's Day though. Welcome to my world...

I Need a Vacation...

...And so it is granted...
This is a swerve
We are all mortals. Our bodies, though strong, cannot defy time. One day, we will die... What matters most is the legacy we leave behind....

Did we become all that we are capable of becoming?

Did we make the difference we came here to make?

Did we pursue our dreams when all around us thought we were chasing illusions?

Only those who dare to rise are able to lift themselves above horizons...

Only those bold enough to chase dreams are the ones who catch them...

WrestleMania: The Showcase of the Immortals

WrestleMania XX...New York City...Madison Square Garden...Where it all begins, again

When the dead return to the living, then so shall I (I like this cryptic ambiguity)...