Starved Rock Pics

Just Another Victim of Corporate America

Shocked. Worried. Hurt. Mad. And any other feelings that you can think of that are far from nice and peachy.

Why?

All because of this piece of news.

The announcement's pretty big since I happen to work for the company that is being "acquired"...

...I have to digress and utilize the crappy college education I obtained and state simple logic statements of fact (less the logic symbols because, figuring I'd never apply them to anything again, I kinda forgot them):

People have feelings.
People are affected by decisions made by a corporation.
People make up a corporation.
If people did not exist,
Then corporations would not exist.
Corporations do not have feelings
Therefore,
When making announcements regarding the potential non-existence of a currently existing corporation,
The announcement will affect people's feelings,
And will not affect the corporation.

I find that in corporate America, this is not the case. Not when you use a word like
"acquired" to signify being taken over or bought out. Or take this actual scenario that speaks of hiring freezes, layoffs and getting fired:

"Due to unforseen circumstances, the decision to grow our staff has been challenged. Because of this hiring challenge, our next step is to analyze our current situation for unnecessary work process inefficiencies. Unfortunately as a result of our findings, there will most likely be some redundancies. Oh and by the way, your manager is on personal leave of absence for some period of time." - The corporation

All these inanimate words and phrases - who is Corporate America trying to kid? Where is the moral integrity? Whatever happened to straightforward open and honest communication? I guess it doesn't exist in corporate America...

So yeah, this announcement sucks. Serious questions that we thought we would never have to ask like, "What's going to happen to the company X-Box?" need answers.

Yet Another Washington Pic...or Two

Geez, it's like I can't get enough of this place. A couple glimpses of the Columbia River:

You Got It All Wrong

Michael Jackson's lawyer said that the pop star is going to be more careful and not let children into his bed because "it makes him vulnerable to false charges." Was Jackson's lawyer on Jesus juice? Michael Jackson shouldn't let children into his bed because...IT'S FUCKING WRONG!!! Kids run to their parents' bed when they can't sleep because they're afraid of something - thunder, the boogie man, purple skittles...

They go to their parents because there's a sense of comfort and security. Imagine waking up in the middle of the night with this lying right next to you and staring, drooling and horny:




Do you see the comfort and security there? I don't.

Mmmm, Human

The Body Worlds exhibit at the Museum of Science and Industry is pretty interesting. On display are actual human corpses in poses, all of which are stripped down to literally nothing but their insides. Having been up close to some autopsies in my pre-med days, I really didn't find the exhibit freaky. What I felt disturbing, however, was the thought of how certain parts of the human body on display at the exhibit closely resembled the great dinner some friends and I had at Sal and Carvao the night before. Mouth watering filet mignon, lamb shank and sirloin just didn't sound so mouth watering when mentally comparing them to chest, arm and back muscles of the human bodies displayed right before me in the museum exhibit.

Kinda makes me wonder what the soccer team whose airplance crashed in the Andes back in the 1970s were thinking when they ate their fellow passengers that did not survive the crash - "Mmmm, I've got a taste for bacon, may I have some of that ass please?"

Santy's Birthday Pics

Taken at Sal and Carvao:







Taken at Navy Pier in the Ferris Wheel

Caption This!

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My First Race

Dear Sciatic Nerve,

In a figurative way, you are an asshole. Nice attempt to get me to quit running the race. Too bad I finished, and I finished running strong. Eat shit and die mothafucka.

Have a nice day,
Erwin


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At the Dentist's

I guess when you're in a relationship, the ability to use selective listening when discussing a specific topic slowly but surely disappears after awhile. It's kinda like when you were 8 years old playing Super Mario Bros. on your old school Nintendo and using the star for invincibility; nothing phases you when you first get it, but as time passes you're invincibility eventually wears away...

...I digress...Mario was a stud back in his day. Viagra, Cialis, Levitra - all these <2 finger quotes> "men's health" drug commercials in today's everyday television programming have some kind of disclaimer that says that you should see a doctor if you have an erection that lasts more than 4 hours. What the hell is a doctor going to do to take care of your erection? Chop it off? Mario, on the other hand, knew exactly where to go. He couldn't possibly have broken all those bricks without sustaining a headache or concussion unless his head was hard. And what was the point of jumping over fiery pits with his hard head? To get to the Princess, duh, because he would definitely be rewarded. Doesn't it all make sense now?...

OK, back to the topic...so after hearing from the Chosen One many times about going to the dentist, I finally gave in. After over 5+ years of being away, I was finally sitting once again in the dentist's chair under his bright interrogative lights. The ordeal wasn't too bad, except that I found it kinda disturbing that the moment he started cleaning my teeth, the song Vogue came on the radio. I'm not sure why, but I was expecting him to tell me that they voted that song as the National Association of Dentist's (NAD) theme song and that he needed to vogue to the dentist gods for a good teeth cleansing.

Subliminal Advertising

"... is it me or was Blade III really an 1.5+ hour-long IPOD infomercial?"

-From one of my December posts

On the eve of the Blade III DVD release this week, I finally acted on this lingering side remark by FINALLY purchasing an iPod...and having it in my possession (I actually won an iPod on eBay but after a month, put in a claim to get my money back for fraudulent non-receipt). I think what put me over is the fact that saying your prayers and eating your vitamins like Hulk Hogan said to do only got you as far as the end of the 90's (not even that far really). It's a new millenia now; gone are the days of "hulking up" (which now comes with serious consequences in baseball and football). To fight the new breed of bad guys, we do the (iPod) shuffle - we get on our laptop computers, download, transfer and listen. Then we take our signature iPod earbuds off and proceed to kick butt.

Of course, that was just a movie. In reality, we listen to music that either bores us to sleep or is so bad we struggle through the rest of our day trying to get it out of our head by trying to replace it with more shitty music. That's what the iPod is really for - to show just how crappy your music collection truly is. They've even enlisted U2 as its spokesband:

U2 = Most overrated band in the world
iPod = Most overrated Walkman

iPod and U2 -> A perfect match

Birthday Kidnapping


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Wisconsin Dells road trip 4/16/05 weekend

Hey, I've Risen Too!

Hoy es Easter and similar to "Him," I have also come out and returned to the land of the living...except instead of miraculously moving a huge boulder to escape a cave with ease, I unmiraculously stumbled out of my tent like a butterfly with two left wings and half an attenae coming out of its cocoon.

I went here last week:









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(More Olympic National Rain Forest pics to come later). A few fortune cookie worthy observations:

1) Washington drivers are really shitty drivers.

2) It really does rain in the rain forest. And it's really wet too.

3) Do not feed ocean foam. It follows you on windy days and tries to grab you and take you to their leader somewhere in the ocean.

4) What to do if you see a cougar - scream "bear". This will get them really confused, and they'll scratch their head and walk away. What to do if you see a bear - just scream.

5) Don't get stuck in quicksand. Your girlfriend will point and laugh as you sink.

WrestleMania 22, Here I Come!

The best piece of news I've ever had at 12 midnight:

ROSEMONT, ALLSTATE ARENA GET READY TO RUMBLE

Officials from the Village of Rosemont will announce this Friday that Wrestlemania, the most popular annual event of professional wrestling in the U.S., will be held at the Allstate Arena in April of 2006.

A special luncheon for Chicago area media will be held this Friday at the Donald E. Stephens Convention Center where the announcement will be made.

"This event will bring thousands of fans from around the world to Rosemont," said a press release issued by Rosemont late last week. "It will be an event with a significant economic impact on our global hospitality industry and it will generate global television exposure for our community."

The event will be the 22d consecutive year of Wrestlemania. It annually attracts full houses at the stadiums where it is held and millions of television viewers.

Finally...WrestleMania comes back to...CHICAGO!!!!!

Credit: The Des Plaines Journal

Gay or Not Gay?




So I've got this friend (who we shall refer to as Edmond "Nedmond") whose been on a dry spell with the ladies as of late. It's a Saturday night and we're heading to a pool hall to do whatever people at a pool hall do, when the following conversation arises in the car:

Edmo-, whoops, I mean Nedmond: So how was lunch with Jennifer?
Me: Lunch was good. You're name actually came up in conversation.
Ed-, oops again, Nedmond: How so?
Me: Well, we were thinking of our single friends and how to make them not single.
Edmon-, arg...Nedmond: Oh no! You're trying to set me up!
Me: Not necessarily
E- Nedmond (I'm getting better at not disclosing identities, see?): So tell me more about the conversation.
Me: I can't. You can ask Jennifer.

At this point there's silence in the car. I'm driving to a cashy station thinking about how much money to take out, where the pool hall is, what time it is and how mangoes, bananas and strawberries don't go too well in a smoothie when my thought process is suddenly halted by a shocking but obvious revelation:

Nedmond - awww, fuck it - Edmond: I'M NOT GAY!!!!

My mind was going crazy to process this one little statement. A straight man proclaiming his straightness - that actually sounds kinda gay to me. What appears to be an insecurity of some sort seems to open up the possibility that perhaps he is gay...

Which is OK because with the Flaming Fucker now in Tennessee, I am now faced with a shortage of gay friends

Not Like This

Today marks the end of an era - no, not the end of my long drought of no posts...well, yeah sort of - a chapter has ended in the book of the self-proclaimed "Three Amigos," a trio so flamingly hetro that any truly happy couple would appear straight super very unhappy (my trip to see The Chosen One for Valentine's Day weekend where I met her two happy friends proves it).

It was inevitable. The Texan moved back to North Mexico a while back and now That Fucker has moved to a state where a dead man's home is a greater tourist attraction than the largest set of real country boobies that this same state has to offer. Now that's some fucked up drop it like it's hot shit right thurr.



...But not like this...it should never end like this...I hear the ESPN music...

Duh duh duh, duh duh duh...Did you know...Cow castration involves wrapping a tightly wound rubber band around a cow's sac which will eventually shrink down to the size of Carl's cock magnified a trillion times and fall off?

A Personal Hospital Experience Tidbit

Worst thing a hospital person has said to me in the, errr, hospital:

"Hey, are you breathing?"

Silly hospital people, you're supposed to make me healthy to ensure that I keep on breathing, not act like complete jackasses to the point where I decide that continuing to live just isn't worth it. Get it right next time!

Happy New Year's/My Medical Saga Continued

Ah, the first post of the year. My New Year's resolution? To update my blog on a daily basis Wait a minute...New Year's resolution...doesn't this imply that I have some kind of problem that takes a year to fix? I might be in some kind of denial, but if I had a problem that took an entire year to resolve, I don't think I'd be very happy looking forward to the new year, so if you wished me a Happy New Year and I politely decline, you'll know exactly why.

With that being said, if I said my New Year's resolution is to stop drinking, that should give anyone who follows the above logic the impression that I am an alcoholic, which I am not (again with the denial, but it's the truth, I swear!). Actually, I do have a reason to stop drinking - it appears that my liver has truly made me it's bitch as I am now bearing it's child. I need to schedule an ultrasound because the medical world wants to know the gender of the very first liver child.

The Blood Test

Wow, four tubes for blood. And there's the needle, time to turn my head and look away...

...Think Shaquille O'Neal entering Carl...wait, big black bitch splitter sounds too painful, Carl entering Shaq - yeah, no pain there, like driving a Mini into a black hole...

...Deep breaths now, breathe...

(Prick)

This isn't so bad...

"You're blood is coming out really slowly."

Is that really a bad thing? I'm happy that my blood has grown fond of my body. I'd die if my blood was in a rush to part ways with my body. Literally...

Whew...it's over. Nothing could be worse than this except Christmas shopping on the busiest shopping day of the year, awww son of a bitch...

"Before you leave, we need to take a urine sample from you."

What?!

Breathe...

Relax...

OMG, I can't pee! I'm not claustrophobic, but the walls of this washroom certainly seem like they are caving in on me. Of all the things, I'm going to fail this freaking urine test!

Come on, bladder... (In Rob Schneider Waterboy voice:) You can do it!

Oh yeah, just let it all out. OK, you can stop now. Now you really need to stop. I said stop dammit!

What a relief. Peeing never felt so good!

A Visit to the Doctor's

Hickory dickory fu-ock, I went to see the doc. The monthlong buildup for what turned out to be a 30 minute getting to know you sesssion. And I had no idea he was a celebrity! It cost me $20 for the one-on-one meet-and-greet. Overall, very anticlimactic...

...Not to change the subject, but is it me or was Blade III really an 1.5+ hour-long IPOD infomercial?

Back to the doctor's...I had to smile a little answering a question on the medical history form that asked about being sexually active. When I think of the phrase "sexually active," I think of volcanic activity. I think it's because, like a volcano, my eruptions are few and far between (yes, I know what you're thinking: "Poor Fez". So I wonder how my doctor would react if I responded to the question with, "No, right now I'm sexually dormant. But if the circumstances are right I could explode at anytime!"

I handed in the form and a few minutes later a nurse opens a door halfway and calls my name. I think a pre-requesite for this person's line of work has to be previous work experience as a dominatrix. She just called out my name and I knew to come to her. Not another word. And the fact that she opened the door halfway leads me to believe that she probably had a whip in the one hand I couldn't see just in case I didn't understand her unspoken command to follow her at the call of my name. She took me to a special room, put her stick in my mouth and told me to bite. Kinky, kinky...

The nurse had her way with me and then led me to another special room - the "Examination Room" where the doctor was to see me. I waited there patiently. And finally the doctor came! Then he shook my hand. Hee hee...

After a month of waiting, you'd figure I'd be prepared to tell him everything that was wrong with me. But my mind was elsewhere. Besides being stuck in the gutter, I was thinking that right at that moment of how I saw the doctor and the doctor said, "Ooh-ee-ooh-ah-ah, ting-tang-walla-walla-bing-bang, Ooh-ee-ooh-ah-ah," and then he shrunk my head. But he didn't. Instead, he told me to get some tests done, and that we'd go over the results in a few weeks.

And that's it. The End.

The Great Chicago Fire of December 6, 2004

So how 'bout that fire in the middle of Chicago's financial district? I didn't find out about it until a concerned Chosen One's father called to ask if I was safe. Interesting how someone over 1,700 miles away knew about what was going on, when I, being less than 17 miles away, did not. As usual, Erwin is the last to know, and in this case, the last to know the 4-1-1 on the 9-1-1 in the 3-1-2 at the 1-3-5 where there was a major 5-11 at 6-30 on 12-6...

And now some observations surrounding the event:

1. Fire starts with an "F" and so does Female. And like a female, it will do anything for attention, i.e. preventing men from watching any sport on TV. So when Monday Night Football was interrupted for what seemed like the entire game for fire coverage, all I could think of was another word that started with "F": FUCK!

2. When I get my own place, a fireplace will need to be a must. The 3 hours I spent watching the fire was more entertaining than anything I had seen on TV in a really long time. Now if only I could have gotten marshmallows to roast by simply waving them in front of the TV, I'd be set.

3. I really have to wonder how many takes reporters have to do for their taped news pieces to be deemed good enough to air on TV. They must cringe when they have to do live breaking news stories because they show to the world how really air-headed they are. There should have only been one station that should have been allowed to do the live reporting coverage. All the other stations could have just shown the live footage of the fire with "Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire" playing in the background.

4. Tourists are not people. They are obstacles in the path to reaching point B from point A. Since we do not consider these things to be people, we should have the right to push them into the middle of oncoming traffic when they walk slow, stop or make an effort to stare at the building with a black smoke band around it. Hell, we should push these people things into oncoming traffic anyways because it's our duty as law-abiding citizens. What law says we should push stupid ass clowns into the middle of the street for the sake of humanity you ask? It's called Survival of the Fittest.