Donde Esta?

Where did I go? Where did everyone else go? Wow, a startling revelation: Less people visit my blog when I do not post as often. What's up with that?

Lately I've spent a lot of my time working at home on my computer. Since I've been geeking in, I haven't gone out. And since I haven't done anything interesting as of late, there just hasn't been very much going on that I would deem blogworthy.

Oh well, summer is quickly approaching and things will be going again like a styrofoam cup on a paper plate on a snowy day. I will leave you with something to ponder...

Question of the Day: Whoever makes it, tells it not. Whoever takes it, knows it not. And whoever knows it, wants it not. What is it?

My, Have Times Changed

(AP) -- Police in Miami say it wasn't oregano that a five-year-old brought to school and sprinkled over a friend's lasagna -- it was marijuana.

A monitor intervened, and the food was confiscated before the other boy had a chance to eat it. Police say it's unclear whether the kindergartner even knew what it was, although they say he tried to hide the bag when a cafeteria monitor approached.

Authorities are investigating the boy's family.

Meantime, there's a similar case in Indianapolis. Authorities say a four-year-old showed crack cocaine to his pre-school classmates, saying it was flour.

Police say the drugs are worth up to ten-thousand dollars. They're still searching for the child's parents, who both have criminal records.

Man, I must be getting really old because I find myself saying the phrase, "Back in the day..." more and more. Back in the day, trading sandwiches with a fellow classmate was the thing to do when you didn't like your lunch. Nowadays, kids are settling for their own lunches, but are offering their special home herbs to friends with less tasty lunches. Is school cafeteria food so terrible that mind-altering drugs are needed to make them taste better? I guess dousing all my meals with ketchup or A1 steak sauce just doesn't cut it anymore...

...And show-'n-tell? Back in the day kids used to oogle and ogle at the brightest, shiniest toys brought to school. Bringing a bag of booger sugar to school? What's so cool about that?

An Observation in Cynicism

Why can't we all take things for what they're worth? Yes, that sounds pretty hypocritical coming from my mouth since I have a tendency to read between the lines and search for deeper meanings that may or may not exist (usually the latter). Some things are just meant to be simply because they are. And sometimes no reason is needed because it simply is not necessary. What it is is what it is (sometimes)...

Case in point: Eric and I drove to a Chicago Rush arena football game today without tickets. We were planning on getting tickets at the arena's box office or finding some scalper who had decent seats. As we were approaching the box office line, we noticed a scalper at the back of the line trying to sell off some tickets. And as the scalper was about to make a deal, out of nowhere comes a guy passing out tickets for free. Not only were the tickets free, but they were also for pretty good seats. And after this courteous gesture by some angel sent down by the arena football god, some dumbassess still had the audacity to question the sincerity of the whole thing.

"Just take the tickets man," was my response. Don't search for hidden agendas because there simply are none. What is it with people (especially in Chicago) second-guessing the obvious? Ignorance is bliss, but it doesn't apply to naive twits that sadly make up a majority of the world population...

Here's two questions for ya (think fast):

1. (From the last post) You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

2. You are participating in a race. If you overtake the last person, then you are...?

Murphy's Erwin's Law

To the person who first recommended that one should be at the airport at least two hours before his or her flight, you are a freakin' genius. I have decided to devote the rest of my life to spread awareness of the evils of not being at the airport at least two hours prior. Here's why:

1. 99% of the driving population can't drive. "Hey there ma, there's a truck on dem dere side of the road. It may not be roadkill but it sure is ex-sah-ting to see the poor trucker fella's blinkers go off. Yee dawg-ee" (Having worked retail for 5 years, I'm well-versed in hick). State governments need to add an extra section to the driving exam to test for common sense. It can even be one question, but you only have 2 seconds to answer:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

2. More on common sense, who the freakin' hell does road construction in the middle of morning rush hour? Following in the example of Chicago, that's the time construction crews are on break. Of course, they're also on break for pre-breakfast, breakfast, pre-lunch, lunch, pre-dinner, dinner, dessert and the afternoon rush hour. They may work like hobbits (including the pipeweed smoking), but they sure do get paid damn well for it. Everywhere else take note.

3. So I made it to the airport with an hour left before my flight. I checked my bag in with no problems. I'm in the clear right? Too bad there was a line as long as Shaquille O' Neal's big black bitch splitter just to search the carry-ons. It took about 45 minutes to get to the front of the line, which is probably the amount of time to climb Mount Shaq, isn't that right Carl???

4. 15 minutes left before my flight leaves and I'm finally a few persons away from getting my carry-on checked out. The gameplan now is simple - be really easy going with the friendly security people so as to not attract suspicious attention for an additional search and then dart like a deranged lunatic to my plane which started boarding 20 minutes ago. I somehow failed to factor in the 70+ year old fogey standing at the front of the line who to me conveniently collapsed on the floor. All security halted checking bags to give the guy medical attention, and while everyone was like, "OMG! OMG! Is he OK?", I was like, "OMG!, OMG! I'm going to miss my freakin plane!" Luckily, he got up after a minute and security resumed checking bags as normal. Rather than a heart attack, it turns out that old geezer man's peg leg wasn't put on right and gave out on him.

I was able to make my plane as they were closing it's hatch. This wasn't before being included on a conversation with a bunch of 50-something flight attendants talking about how they were wearing green thongs in honor of St. Patrick's Day though. Welcome to my world...

I Need a Vacation...

...And so it is granted...
This is a swerve
We are all mortals. Our bodies, though strong, cannot defy time. One day, we will die... What matters most is the legacy we leave behind....

Did we become all that we are capable of becoming?

Did we make the difference we came here to make?

Did we pursue our dreams when all around us thought we were chasing illusions?

Only those who dare to rise are able to lift themselves above horizons...

Only those bold enough to chase dreams are the ones who catch them...

WrestleMania: The Showcase of the Immortals

WrestleMania XX...New York City...Madison Square Garden...Where it all begins, again

When the dead return to the living, then so shall I (I like this cryptic ambiguity)...

What Has This World Come To?

Instead of going forward, human civilization is pulling a Santy and going in the wrong direction. Is it really possible to de-evolve? The way things are going, in a few years, brain cells are going to officially become endangered spieces (they're already endangered, but we're too stupid to realize it). We're all eventually going to become amoebas. Unfortunately, some people are already blobs, like Carl, the single-celled asexual.

Yah, it's gotten pretty bad. Whatever happened to basic social skills? I spent almost 2 hours in a seminar today at work on basically learning to become more appreciative. The sad thing? Right after this meeting on saying "thank you", a co-worker of mine received some recognition for doing a good job - and she couldn't even acknowledge the compliment. It's a friggin common courtesy to say thanks; we shouldn't have to sit through a 2 hour session on how to say it.

Then there's stories like the one below that make me realize that I give ourselves way too much credit. This person wins my fucktard of the day award:

COVINGTON, Ga. - A woman was caught trying to use a fake $1 million bill to buy $1,675 worth of merchandise at a Wal-Mart, and was later found with two more of the bills in her purse, police said. The United States Treasury does not make $1 million bills, but people can buy souvenirs of such a bill at some stores, police said. "It looks real, but of course there's nothing real about this," Covington Police Chief Stacey Cotton said Tuesday. "People do crazy things all the time. I think it's just another example of some odd things that occur."

A clerk at the store immediately noticed the bill was fake when 35-year-old Alice Regina Pike handed it to her on Friday, Cotton said. Pike then tried to use two gift cards with only $2.32 of value on them to buy the merchandise, but when that didn't work she again asked if the clerk could cash the $1 million bill, Cotton said. The store then called police. Pike, of Porterdale, was charged with forgery. There was no listing for her phone number in directory assistance, and she could not be reached for comment Tuesday.

Arrrggghhhh

Downtown Chicago - a business mecca, the second largest financial center in the country. Somewhere in the hoopla of perpetual exchange is yours truly, watching money fly around every which way but into my bank account (that would be money laundering which, until our drug lord buddies from down way way south (farther than Worth, IL) decide to take over, is illegal). Six-figure amounts of money isn't all that much. Seven figures is mediocre. Eight figures and higher? Let's start talking...

On any given day, we're hit for hundreds and even thousands of dollars worth of charges. A $700 charge? Take the hit, it's not even worth arguing over. So why the hell am I pissed off that I lost ten freakin dollars???

Is it the fact that I put $10 on my public transportation fare card and forgot to take it out of the vending machine? Nah, slapping myself across the back of my head for doing dumbass things probably killed more brain cells than I already have, making myself dumbass to the extreme (i.e. Eric a fucktard).

Maybe it's because that $10 could have been put to better use. I mean, if Sally Struthers can convince me that ten cents can purchase a cup of coffee in Ethiopia, think of what $10 can do. Or even better yet, I could go to Starbucks twice instead of once a week and get myself a "venti toffee nut frappucino twice blended with whipped cream" that I crave oh so much. Yah, my humanitarian priorities are in order.

I think the reason why I am so pissed about losing $10 is because the person who ended up getting my card out of the machine was a nice little sweet elderly lady. And when I nicely asked the nice little sweet elderly lady for my card...that fucking withered old hag denied she had it. "Hey, #$%! cunt whore, you were right behind me. Are you like on Alzheimers or something? ***Ghetto Max takes over Erwin's body*** Bitch, you'd better recognize and get those social security collectin' hands back in yo' Ben-Gay smellin' purse and gimme my CTA card befo' I bust a cap in yo' ass foo'!"

OK, maybe I didn't say those things to that extent. It would've sounded good at the time though. Damn me for repressing things.

Me No Feel So Good

I hate to bring up yesterday's news (errr, my last post) up again, but is the fact that my nose hasn't stopped bleeding profusely on a daily basis someone's way of telling me that I have an overabundance of blood in my system and that instead of gobbing it up in clumps of tissue, maybe I should go to a blood bank and donate the excess instead? Or am I really the subject of some alium experiment that is testing a new form of a gradual and less painful death (aliums are wusses; after being subjected to having to listen to William Hung, they're pretty squeamish on human suffering).

Maybe I've finally hit some post pubescent menstrual stage. I mean, the first time my nose bled last week I was in the shower, and when I looked at the shower floor, there was blood everywhere. I freaked out like a little girl getting her first period. Now a week later, when I feel my crimson tide coming, I calmly plug it up, thinking that it will end eventually (although it always seems to end more later than sooner).

Hopefully the end is near. It's bad enough coming into work many times with red eyes (due to lack of sleep) looking half-blown. The fact that I am constantly rubbing my nose like a guy on really bad coke surely isn't helping my drug-free image.

Damn Aliums

Ummm, I think I was abducted by aliums over the weekend. After pulling the book, "Where'd That Anal Probe Come From? How to Tell If You've Been Abducted by Aliums" from my reference library, I found an abduction case called an X-File; these "X-Files" later on apparently became the basis for a TV show that was quite popular in the late '90's with the same name (Yes, the X-Files are true stories, everyone of them).

Reading through this one X-File that occured one cool fall season years ago, I found that there are striking similarities between Dana Scully's alium abduction and my potential alium abduction over the weekend:

Scully: Light-headedness, nausea, unexpected nose bleeds, pregnancy

Me: Light-headeness, nausea, unexpected nose bleeds, pregna... an ever-growing beer gut that looks a lot like a pregnant belly

What's more, Scully had two lumps on the back of her neck...I have two scabs on the knuckles of my index and middle finger on my right hand. I tell people that I got the scabs wall climbing, but is that what really happened or is that just what the aliums programmed me to say???

As for the anal probe, even if the aliums shoved it up my ass dry without putting me under anesthesia or being kind enough to use some lube, I still wouldn't have felt it. The 10-foot wide chasm that was once my asshole was carved out of the ass reaming I'm currently getting at work.
The Truth Is Out There, FUCKTARD
Oh by the way...there is a secret message hidden somewhere in this post. Cookies for you if you find it...