Entirely Erwin

A Week in Minnesota

Hmmmm, I really should be doing a formal write-up for my superiors to read aboot (damn Minnesota accent), but before I do that, maybe I should tell the real story (yes, for only a modest fee, there really are privileges to being a member of my po-...whoops wrong site)...

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Sunday: Ominous beginning as shuttle bus driver tries to convince me that his other job is going to take off any day now and that I should join his network marketing campaign. I kindly decline and he says something to the extent of me regretting my decision to turn down a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Just great, held hostage by a Minnesota shuttle bus driver.

As I settle into my hotel room, I begin to realize that I am hungry. From my hotel room vantage point, I see a Denny's and another restaraunt called Cattle Country. Cattle Country. That has got to be the 3rd worst name to name a restaurant (Al's Fun in the Bun is tops, with Booby's a close second). Only one problem with Denny's: it's on the other side of the highway. To the left, highway. To the right, more highway. I have no car. Don't want to deal with evil shuttle bus driver again. Taking a cab to Denny's is ridiculous. So how the hell do you get to the other side? I tried to think of the punchline to "Why did the chicken cross the road?" for a clue to no avail. Settled for Cattle Country which was only across the street. After two 32-ounce beers, my Sunday in Minnesota was finally over.

Monday: Woke up wondering why the room I got didn't come with a fridge. Janet and Quinn had fridges in their respective rooms, why didn't I? Not only did I not have a fridge, turns out that I got a room especially designed for handicapped people. The toilet was unusally high so that the wheelchair-confined could easily scoot from their wheelchairs to the toilet and vice versa. The shower had 3 railings for the disabled to cling onto. And there was no showerhead. Just one of those mobile spray hose thingy's that you could clamp except there was nothing to clamp since the clamp thingy was broken off. Was someone trying to tell me something? No worries, my slight anger subsided after drinking at least 7 beers (I stopped counting at 5) that night.

Tuesday: Today I learned, among other things, that we are the inventors of McDonald's breakfast burrito. To show my pride, I decided to take a break from beer tonight and do something more productive, so I went to the casino (which did not serve alcohol, thus the beer-free night). To prevent myself from losing a lot of mon-ay, I pondered whether or not shuttle bus driver (a different one) really slipped and "accidentally" gave me his home number. Ughhh, and I wasn't acting "happy" this time either.

Wednesday: Spent much of my day playing with a cool light pen I received that had fiber optic filaments which allowed it to change different colors when pressing a button. Sometimes it would even change colors on its own. I came into Minnesota looking for answers, but halfway through the week I have nothing but additional questions: How does the cool light pen change colors on its own? How do you get to the Denny's across the highway? Why did the chicken cross the road?

Celebrated Cinco de Mayo with my fellow work friends at a bar in the Mall of America. People were amazed at how fast I can drink a beer. And I was on TV!!! My 5 seconds of fame on TV was spent saying, "Go Timberwolves!" (because the TV guy told us to). Oh btw - lesson learned - don't spend Cinco de Mayo in Minnesota.

Thursday: Because I never received an answer to my "How do you get to Denny's?" question, I went to Cattle Country for dinner where I literally ate all alone as everyone was home watching the final Friends episode. To celebrate the final episode, more beer...

Friday: Stupid taxi driver thought he was ripping me off when he took the long way driving me back to the airport. Then I pulled out the corporate card. Stupid driver, you aren't ripping me off, you're ripping my company off. Hah hah, now I get the last laugh. Mu-hah-hah-hah...

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