Hit and Misses

Well, it appears that my run at being in a television commercial has finally come to an end. After getting through the first round of auditions, the USA Network Powers That Be decided to go “an alternative route,” whatever that means. Oh well, at least it wasn’t all for naught. I never envisioned myself auditioning for anything, so to do this was a once-in-a-lifetime experience for me. I wonder what the casting agency did with my audition tape, because seeing me impersonate Triple H’s water spit or John Cena’s five knuckle shuffle is more than enough to win on America’s Funniest Home Videos any day. Damn.

I have never shopped on Black Friday before, and after waiting in line all night in 30 degree weather just to get kicked out of line only minutes before the store was to open, I have come to the realization why I’ve never done it before: BECAUSE IT SUCKS! What sucks even more? The $k0ki3 police department...I’ll show you “civil disobedience” – never have I wanted that warm and fuzzy feeling you get when you piss on the car of the cop who royally pissed you off than right at that moment.

While I was having a joyous time exchanging heated Thanksgiving tidings with the cop, my fiancé was earning her ring by freezing her ass off waiting in another line – at Gamestop...for the Nintendo Wii! And here’s a lesson for you soccer moms – waiting in line for one of the most coveted items this holiday season requires you to do one simple thing – wait in line. You get props for being there overnight and thereby pretty much guaranteeing your kid a system, but we take those props back since you didn’t go that one additional step and actually leave the warmth and comfort of your car to join the vigil of people willing to lose a frostbitten finger or three. Stupid soccer mom. They should all just stay at home and make me some babies.