Three Amigos Invade Nashville

I put the "TWANG" in country...


...While Tim McGraw's trying to put the twang in me


The Beer Sellar, 99 different beers and we only tried 3


Our Hooters server, Shana. Shana Fact: She's celibant


Me and Eric on the corner of Gay St and Church St


Nashville Kats arena football home opener

Gay or Not Gay?

Princess Dushku-Bubby's birthday princess coronation at Calo:

The Baby

Why it that even though the baby has a name, the baby is still referred to as "the baby"?

Example: Carl, it's your turn to feed the baby. Wake your queer ass up you fat pig!

Other observations while in Tennessee:

*I never thought that throwing your own garbage out in the neighborhood trash compactor could be so much fun.

*In addition to people who can't brake properly, people who talk non-stop also makes me car sick.

The Story of a Missing Friend

Wow, I never thought that the Dumbass of the Year would be found within the first ten days of the new year, but he was found as a missing Edmond caused a few of his friends to celebrate worry about his whereabouts. Luckily, everything turned out OK and I could now make a movie on his harrowing saga...

It's a cold and cloudy Sunday afternoon, an ominous day for a hockey playoff game. Edmond, the hockey team's token Albanian, leaves for the game when he sees two girls:

"How about a pre-game warm-up?"



"Oh crap, I think I dislocated my knee."



"It's the Boogeyman, and I'm comin' to get 'cha."



"Yeah, my knee's really dislocated now."


Don't Ditch Your Hockey Team For Some Play

Coming to a theater near you.

2005: The Year in Review

I'd like to say that 2005 was a great year, but it wasn't. What looked to be a promising year as far as personal expectations go, the year 2005 instead was 365 days going in the wrong direction filled with a lot of dread and misery.

1st Quarter 2005: January - March

Most memorable moment: The Three Amigos reunite in what would be the only get together of the year, wreaking havoc each time a touchdown was scored, "Where's our shot?"

Honorable mentions: Valentine's Day weekend and Cathy's tears of joy...hiking and camping in the Olympic National Rain Forest...meeting the 2005 Hooters calendar girls


2nd Quarter 2005: April - June

Most memorable moment: Spending my birthday weekend with several of my closest friends in the Wisconsin Dells area. I think that was the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me and by far the best birthday I've ever had to date. I also won't forget the eating exhibition at Famous Dave's ("One more meat") and the look on our server's face at Paul Bunyon's when he saw a fake thumb under a stack of pancakes.

Honorable mentions: Starved Rock and the "grill in the dumpster" dilemma...going to the dentist for the first time in over eight years and having a clean checkup.

Most infamous moment: CIS being sold to now defunct Refco.


3rd Quarter 2005: July - August

Most memorable moment: Having issues getting off a pharoah statue at Luxor Casino in Las Vegas. This also had to be my scariest moment of 2005. I don't remember panicking very much in 2005, but this was definitely one of those times.

Honorable mentions: Hiking through the Valley of Fire desert...Hiking and camping both at Mount Ranier National Park and the San Juan Islands...WWE letter confirming ringside seats for WrestleMania 22.

Most infamous moment (tie): Byran Adams/Def Leppard concert...Finding out the real story behind why I wasn't hired by a certain company in Minnesota - I was screwed...


4th Quarter 2005: September - December

Most memorable moment: Seeing Cathy graduate after a craptacular time getting there.

Most infamous moment: Ending the year unemployed.

Yep. What a shitty way to end the year. So much for ending on a high note. There's always next year, right?

Breaking Kayfabe: Gone Too Soon

I am a fan of professional wrestling.

While others have outgrown the continuous battle between the good guys (faces) and the bad guys (heels), I take pride in what is known as "sports entertainment" because having practically grown up watching pro wrestling, it is truly a part of me. I live for it, breathe it, sleep it and if it was still edible, I'd eat it too (they don't make those ice cream bars anymore).

If you follow wrasslin as closely as I do, then you have a pretty good appreciation for what each of those individuals does no matter how much you like them or hate them and regardless of whether or not they suck. To the "smart mark," you realize that the average wrestler you see on TV is in at least 100 matches a year and spends at least 200 days on the road travelling from small towns to big cities all over the world. And they choose this way of life, wearing away their own bodies and risking injury, to do one thing: to entertain.

Which is the reason Eddie Guerrero's death is so much harder to swallow. Hearing about his death, all I could think of was that it couldn't be true. Maybe it was a relative of his that died. Maybe it was a nasty rumor for the internet wrestling junkies. Then to later have the headline confirmed, reality set it - no more Latino heat, no more lying, cheating and stealing, no more viva la raza, no more cheat to win, no more low riders, no more three amigos, no more going froggy in Eddie's own unique way. Love him or hate him, you had to respect him for the performances he gave, and if you couldn't tell from this list of everything he's done recently, he'll truly be missed.



Eddie, I've followed your storied career for over 15 years. Back when Triple H was Terra Ryzene and Chris Jericho was the Lionheart, you were still Eddie Guerrero, always staying true to yourself till the end. Thanks for the memories, holmes. We're going to miss you. Viva la raza...







(Pics from wwe.com)

Next Year's Halloween Costume

For various non-Jehovah's Witness-type reasons, I think Halloween is my least favorite holiday. I've always wondered what the point was of dressing up for candy when there always seems to be a group of trick or treaters that goes door to door with one kid that doesn't even bother to dress up. While the other kids are dressed up looking adorable in their costumes, when the kid who's decked out in jeans and a plain t-shirt opens his bag and says "Trick or Treat," the sorry get-a-life loser who gets stuck passing out the candy while his friends are out at some Halloween party mingling with hot girls dressed up as hoes who really are skanks but are pretending to be sluts must be thinking one of two things:

1. "A plain-clothed kid. Must be a serial killer."
2. "I wonder how many Snickers bars it would take to get me a hoe, a skank or a slut at that party. I've got 10."

Either way, I bet that plain-clothed kid ends up with more candy at the end of the night.

That being said, I suggest that the new hot costume for next Halloween be an iPod. Not just any iPod, however. Choose whichever version and whatever color your heart desires. Except there is one catch - you have to look like an iPod with the sad face and exclamation point that you get when you turn on one that's fucked beyond repair:



How does one achieve this look? Interesting question because I'm not sure since everywhere I've gone doesn't really give a cause and the solution always seems to be "Apple fucked you for $250 (that's beyond ho, skank or slut status since that costs a lot of Snickers) and you like it and we know you like it because you love that iPod so much we bet you're going to go out and buy another one which was made even more poorly than the one you bought which means we'll see you again and again and again."

So I guess to acheive the look, I guess all you need to do is punch your friend who is dressed up as an iPod (the 4G 20GB one is my personal favorite) where the clickwheel is, which just happens to be strategically positioned over your belly. It'll be cute.

No, not really. I'd rather be a plain-clothed serial killer.

Early Stress at New Job

So, I have this friend (yeah, I know what you're thinking)...

Who recently accepted a new job. My friend lived a clean life, just an occassional drink or seven (at least that's as far as the friend could count before becoming more and more sober) . Then one day, my friend, inspired by Weezer and their song "We Are All on Drugs" decides to smoooooke. Minutes between tokes seem to last for hours, and after a night of red-eyed puffiness and krispy kreme donuts, my friend is feeling pretty damn good...

Until my friend comes back to work and learns that the new job requires new employees to do a drug test as part of the 90-day use me/screw me period. Now my friend is tweaking out (not really, but that's next on my friend's Druggies for Dummies checklist) not only because of the drug test, but because my friend is an Aries..and you know what they say about Aries, those fucking worriers...they don't shit pellets, droppings or whatever women claim they excrete (you know, like how women claim they don't fart or rip, they puff), no, hell no. Aries shit out monster sized Shaquille O' Neals that smell the way your intestines smell if they were turned inside out and baked in a humid Ethiopian sunbath in the middle of some Manhattan sewer.

So now my friend needs to pee in a cup, but this time, there seems to be a lot more at stake than achieving 100 percent accuracy into the cup. To all my "buds" out there, any advice on what my friend can do to pass it? Should my friend even be worried?

Rest In Peace, Kitty

You will be missed.

Moving On - A Professional Template for Goodbye

My official farewell at work:

In my first CIS townhall meeting a little over two and a half years ago,
an employee was recognized for his length of service to the
organization. When asked to comment about his tenure, he summed it up
with the following:

"If you can dream it, you can do it and there's no better place to do it
than at CIS, and there's no better time than now."

Since that time, there hasn't been a day that's gone by when I haven't
lived by these words at work. CIS has given me opportunities that I
probably would not have received had I worked elsewhere, and for that I
am very grateful. All I ever wanted to do was make a positive
difference; by getting the chance to work with many of you, I personally
feel like I have accomplished this and so much more.

For some, as I write to let you know that today is my last day working
with you, this isn't so much "goodbye" as it is "see you later." Never
have I been in a working environment that is so tight-knit on both a
professional and personal level, and I have no doubts that I will run
into some of you again somewhere, sometime.

I wish you all the best and thank you for making CIS truly the place to
be.

Sincerely yours,
Erwin

It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

Do You Su Doku?

Harry Potter. The iPod. And now...Su Doku?

This logic number puzzle is the latest thing to hit people who feel they have a few brain cells worth sacrificing in order to pass time on the train to or from work. The goal: to fill in the grid so that every row, every column, and every 3x3 box contains the digits 1 through 9. Give it a shot:

Anal Metaphors

As the takeover of my company gets closer and closer to becoming official, I feel comforted knowing that I am no longer the only one bending over and taking it up the ass. Some people are actually taking it harder than I am, getting the big black bitch splitter without the KY, which seems like a pretty painful combo. All of us are getting screwed in the end.

And once all is said and done next week, many of the looser assholes will be thrown to the side, while the ones that still have some tightness in them will continue to act as butt bitches for the company that bought us out. For me, I've been given a career opportunity where I'd start out as just another asshole but eventually become the dick that fucks an asshole.

I digress, all this talk kinda reminds me of this notable Team America quote:

"Pussies don't like dicks, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes: assholes that just want to shit on everything. Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way. But the only thing that can fuck an asshole is a dick, with some balls. The problem with dicks is: they fuck too much or fuck when it isn't appropriate - and it takes a pussy to show them that. But sometimes, pussies can be so full of shit that they become assholes themselves... because pussies are an inch and half away from ass holes. I don't know much about this crazy, crazy world, but I do know this: If you don't let us fuck this asshole, we're going to have our dicks and pussies all covered in shit!"

The quote is so true. Our goods are getting plundered in this raping and pillaging, and the men are starting to share their decreasing masculine tidbits. For example, in a meeting to go over our new benefits, my male colleagues were discussing how their gynecologists weren't part of the new health plan.

Please let the suffering end.

San Juan Islands

For more pics, check out my album on the right.

Mount Rainier National Park

For more pics, check out my album on the right.

Finally...Erwin Has (or Will) Come Back To...

The Showcase of the Immortals. Where it all begins...again...

And it's official...I'm going to WrestleMania XXII...sitting RINGSIDE...Hope to see you there!

Optical Illusions

Are the black diamonds on the top or the bottom of each step?



Are the lines in this image parallel to each other? Are they straight?



What image do you see in the picture below? Do you see the woman and horn player?



How many legs does this elephant have?



I was in a cab with friends on the way to breakfast after a long night of gambling and hardly any sleep in Las Vegas when I saw a car with this license plate zoom by. By the time I did a double and triple take, it was too late for me to snap a shot (thanks, Photoshop!). What does this say?



I know California has the Golden Gate Bridge, but geez, they really do take pride in their golden showers.

Return to Sin City

Has your airplane flight ever been delayed because one of your pilots was missing? After a lengthy delay, finally I've returned...along with my closest friends.

At the Beach

Black Thursday

Fuck work and fuck the company I work for...

Over two years without calling in sick. Covering the functions of those people who did call in. Coming into work early. Leaving work late. The only one in the area who really understood both the technical and the business side of the things that are done...

And still that wasn't enough of an impact to earn a bonus.

I wouldn't be so upset if it wasn't for the fact that 45% of the entire workforce got one. The number's pretty significant because at a time when our company's sale is close to being official, a lot of people are going to lose their jobs...and since I fall in the approximate bottom half of the bonus pool, I'm taking that to mean the probability of me sticking around is a lot lower than those who earned a bonus.

It's not about the money - I'm one who believes that if you work your ass off, you should be rewarded for it. This obviously wasn't the case. Instead, you were rewarded if the person making the bonus decision knew who you were (or in corporate speak, "made an impact"). I apologize for going above and beyond what was asked of me as mentioned in my glowing review (which to management means nothing to them). Just goes to show it's not a matter of what you've done, but who you know...

With all the crap that's gone on since I've been where I'm at, I've been the calm force that's kept quiet and done my work. I've never bitched, moaned or complained...ever. I've dreaded working where I am before, but not to this extent, not like this. I'm heartbroken and bitter, and when you start feeling that much despair and hatred, it's time to move on because it's not worth it anymore - there is no more hope.

Country Music Is Better Than...

While going to this year's Summerfest in Milwaukee, I discovered that going to a country music concert (saw Tim McGraw and Keith Urban) is a lot less painful than at least three things:

1) Listening to a band that cov-errrrrrrrrs songs of the Beatles AND Metallica with theirrrrrrrrrr lead sing-errrrrrrrr giving the worrrrrrrrrrrrst Larrrrrrrrrrrs impression (yes, he really talked and sang like that)

2) Going through a Gillette Venus vibrating razor promo truck booth with the Chosen One for a free razor, only to find out that after watching teeny bopper girls strike a pose and learning about how to use the razor on a really big razor display, they weren't giving out razors at all.

3) Spending over an hour getting out of Milwaukee because Wisconsin cheeseheads and country music yodels can't drive for shit. Are all people who live in a state that starts with "W" crappy drivers?

Starved Rock Pics

Just Another Victim of Corporate America

Shocked. Worried. Hurt. Mad. And any other feelings that you can think of that are far from nice and peachy.

Why?

All because of this piece of news.

The announcement's pretty big since I happen to work for the company that is being "acquired"...

...I have to digress and utilize the crappy college education I obtained and state simple logic statements of fact (less the logic symbols because, figuring I'd never apply them to anything again, I kinda forgot them):

People have feelings.
People are affected by decisions made by a corporation.
People make up a corporation.
If people did not exist,
Then corporations would not exist.
Corporations do not have feelings
Therefore,
When making announcements regarding the potential non-existence of a currently existing corporation,
The announcement will affect people's feelings,
And will not affect the corporation.

I find that in corporate America, this is not the case. Not when you use a word like
"acquired" to signify being taken over or bought out. Or take this actual scenario that speaks of hiring freezes, layoffs and getting fired:

"Due to unforseen circumstances, the decision to grow our staff has been challenged. Because of this hiring challenge, our next step is to analyze our current situation for unnecessary work process inefficiencies. Unfortunately as a result of our findings, there will most likely be some redundancies. Oh and by the way, your manager is on personal leave of absence for some period of time." - The corporation

All these inanimate words and phrases - who is Corporate America trying to kid? Where is the moral integrity? Whatever happened to straightforward open and honest communication? I guess it doesn't exist in corporate America...

So yeah, this announcement sucks. Serious questions that we thought we would never have to ask like, "What's going to happen to the company X-Box?" need answers.

Yet Another Washington Pic...or Two

Geez, it's like I can't get enough of this place. A couple glimpses of the Columbia River:

You Got It All Wrong

Michael Jackson's lawyer said that the pop star is going to be more careful and not let children into his bed because "it makes him vulnerable to false charges." Was Jackson's lawyer on Jesus juice? Michael Jackson shouldn't let children into his bed because...IT'S FUCKING WRONG!!! Kids run to their parents' bed when they can't sleep because they're afraid of something - thunder, the boogie man, purple skittles...

They go to their parents because there's a sense of comfort and security. Imagine waking up in the middle of the night with this lying right next to you and staring, drooling and horny:




Do you see the comfort and security there? I don't.

Mmmm, Human

The Body Worlds exhibit at the Museum of Science and Industry is pretty interesting. On display are actual human corpses in poses, all of which are stripped down to literally nothing but their insides. Having been up close to some autopsies in my pre-med days, I really didn't find the exhibit freaky. What I felt disturbing, however, was the thought of how certain parts of the human body on display at the exhibit closely resembled the great dinner some friends and I had at Sal and Carvao the night before. Mouth watering filet mignon, lamb shank and sirloin just didn't sound so mouth watering when mentally comparing them to chest, arm and back muscles of the human bodies displayed right before me in the museum exhibit.

Kinda makes me wonder what the soccer team whose airplance crashed in the Andes back in the 1970s were thinking when they ate their fellow passengers that did not survive the crash - "Mmmm, I've got a taste for bacon, may I have some of that ass please?"

Santy's Birthday Pics

Taken at Sal and Carvao:







Taken at Navy Pier in the Ferris Wheel

Caption This!

Posted by Hello

My First Race

Dear Sciatic Nerve,

In a figurative way, you are an asshole. Nice attempt to get me to quit running the race. Too bad I finished, and I finished running strong. Eat shit and die mothafucka.

Have a nice day,
Erwin


Posted by Hello

At the Dentist's

I guess when you're in a relationship, the ability to use selective listening when discussing a specific topic slowly but surely disappears after awhile. It's kinda like when you were 8 years old playing Super Mario Bros. on your old school Nintendo and using the star for invincibility; nothing phases you when you first get it, but as time passes you're invincibility eventually wears away...

...I digress...Mario was a stud back in his day. Viagra, Cialis, Levitra - all these <2 finger quotes> "men's health" drug commercials in today's everyday television programming have some kind of disclaimer that says that you should see a doctor if you have an erection that lasts more than 4 hours. What the hell is a doctor going to do to take care of your erection? Chop it off? Mario, on the other hand, knew exactly where to go. He couldn't possibly have broken all those bricks without sustaining a headache or concussion unless his head was hard. And what was the point of jumping over fiery pits with his hard head? To get to the Princess, duh, because he would definitely be rewarded. Doesn't it all make sense now?...

OK, back to the topic...so after hearing from the Chosen One many times about going to the dentist, I finally gave in. After over 5+ years of being away, I was finally sitting once again in the dentist's chair under his bright interrogative lights. The ordeal wasn't too bad, except that I found it kinda disturbing that the moment he started cleaning my teeth, the song Vogue came on the radio. I'm not sure why, but I was expecting him to tell me that they voted that song as the National Association of Dentist's (NAD) theme song and that he needed to vogue to the dentist gods for a good teeth cleansing.

Subliminal Advertising

"... is it me or was Blade III really an 1.5+ hour-long IPOD infomercial?"

-From one of my December posts

On the eve of the Blade III DVD release this week, I finally acted on this lingering side remark by FINALLY purchasing an iPod...and having it in my possession (I actually won an iPod on eBay but after a month, put in a claim to get my money back for fraudulent non-receipt). I think what put me over is the fact that saying your prayers and eating your vitamins like Hulk Hogan said to do only got you as far as the end of the 90's (not even that far really). It's a new millenia now; gone are the days of "hulking up" (which now comes with serious consequences in baseball and football). To fight the new breed of bad guys, we do the (iPod) shuffle - we get on our laptop computers, download, transfer and listen. Then we take our signature iPod earbuds off and proceed to kick butt.

Of course, that was just a movie. In reality, we listen to music that either bores us to sleep or is so bad we struggle through the rest of our day trying to get it out of our head by trying to replace it with more shitty music. That's what the iPod is really for - to show just how crappy your music collection truly is. They've even enlisted U2 as its spokesband:

U2 = Most overrated band in the world
iPod = Most overrated Walkman

iPod and U2 -> A perfect match

Birthday Kidnapping


Posted by Hello

Wisconsin Dells road trip 4/16/05 weekend

Hey, I've Risen Too!

Hoy es Easter and similar to "Him," I have also come out and returned to the land of the living...except instead of miraculously moving a huge boulder to escape a cave with ease, I unmiraculously stumbled out of my tent like a butterfly with two left wings and half an attenae coming out of its cocoon.

I went here last week:









Posted by Hello



(More Olympic National Rain Forest pics to come later). A few fortune cookie worthy observations:

1) Washington drivers are really shitty drivers.

2) It really does rain in the rain forest. And it's really wet too.

3) Do not feed ocean foam. It follows you on windy days and tries to grab you and take you to their leader somewhere in the ocean.

4) What to do if you see a cougar - scream "bear". This will get them really confused, and they'll scratch their head and walk away. What to do if you see a bear - just scream.

5) Don't get stuck in quicksand. Your girlfriend will point and laugh as you sink.

WrestleMania 22, Here I Come!

The best piece of news I've ever had at 12 midnight:

ROSEMONT, ALLSTATE ARENA GET READY TO RUMBLE

Officials from the Village of Rosemont will announce this Friday that Wrestlemania, the most popular annual event of professional wrestling in the U.S., will be held at the Allstate Arena in April of 2006.

A special luncheon for Chicago area media will be held this Friday at the Donald E. Stephens Convention Center where the announcement will be made.

"This event will bring thousands of fans from around the world to Rosemont," said a press release issued by Rosemont late last week. "It will be an event with a significant economic impact on our global hospitality industry and it will generate global television exposure for our community."

The event will be the 22d consecutive year of Wrestlemania. It annually attracts full houses at the stadiums where it is held and millions of television viewers.

Finally...WrestleMania comes back to...CHICAGO!!!!!

Credit: The Des Plaines Journal

Gay or Not Gay?




So I've got this friend (who we shall refer to as Edmond "Nedmond") whose been on a dry spell with the ladies as of late. It's a Saturday night and we're heading to a pool hall to do whatever people at a pool hall do, when the following conversation arises in the car:

Edmo-, whoops, I mean Nedmond: So how was lunch with Jennifer?
Me: Lunch was good. You're name actually came up in conversation.
Ed-, oops again, Nedmond: How so?
Me: Well, we were thinking of our single friends and how to make them not single.
Edmon-, arg...Nedmond: Oh no! You're trying to set me up!
Me: Not necessarily
E- Nedmond (I'm getting better at not disclosing identities, see?): So tell me more about the conversation.
Me: I can't. You can ask Jennifer.

At this point there's silence in the car. I'm driving to a cashy station thinking about how much money to take out, where the pool hall is, what time it is and how mangoes, bananas and strawberries don't go too well in a smoothie when my thought process is suddenly halted by a shocking but obvious revelation:

Nedmond - awww, fuck it - Edmond: I'M NOT GAY!!!!

My mind was going crazy to process this one little statement. A straight man proclaiming his straightness - that actually sounds kinda gay to me. What appears to be an insecurity of some sort seems to open up the possibility that perhaps he is gay...

Which is OK because with the Flaming Fucker now in Tennessee, I am now faced with a shortage of gay friends

Not Like This

Today marks the end of an era - no, not the end of my long drought of no posts...well, yeah sort of - a chapter has ended in the book of the self-proclaimed "Three Amigos," a trio so flamingly hetro that any truly happy couple would appear straight super very unhappy (my trip to see The Chosen One for Valentine's Day weekend where I met her two happy friends proves it).

It was inevitable. The Texan moved back to North Mexico a while back and now That Fucker has moved to a state where a dead man's home is a greater tourist attraction than the largest set of real country boobies that this same state has to offer. Now that's some fucked up drop it like it's hot shit right thurr.



...But not like this...it should never end like this...I hear the ESPN music...

Duh duh duh, duh duh duh...Did you know...Cow castration involves wrapping a tightly wound rubber band around a cow's sac which will eventually shrink down to the size of Carl's cock magnified a trillion times and fall off?

A Personal Hospital Experience Tidbit

Worst thing a hospital person has said to me in the, errr, hospital:

"Hey, are you breathing?"

Silly hospital people, you're supposed to make me healthy to ensure that I keep on breathing, not act like complete jackasses to the point where I decide that continuing to live just isn't worth it. Get it right next time!

Happy New Year's/My Medical Saga Continued

Ah, the first post of the year. My New Year's resolution? To update my blog on a daily basis Wait a minute...New Year's resolution...doesn't this imply that I have some kind of problem that takes a year to fix? I might be in some kind of denial, but if I had a problem that took an entire year to resolve, I don't think I'd be very happy looking forward to the new year, so if you wished me a Happy New Year and I politely decline, you'll know exactly why.

With that being said, if I said my New Year's resolution is to stop drinking, that should give anyone who follows the above logic the impression that I am an alcoholic, which I am not (again with the denial, but it's the truth, I swear!). Actually, I do have a reason to stop drinking - it appears that my liver has truly made me it's bitch as I am now bearing it's child. I need to schedule an ultrasound because the medical world wants to know the gender of the very first liver child.

The Blood Test

Wow, four tubes for blood. And there's the needle, time to turn my head and look away...

...Think Shaquille O'Neal entering Carl...wait, big black bitch splitter sounds too painful, Carl entering Shaq - yeah, no pain there, like driving a Mini into a black hole...

...Deep breaths now, breathe...

(Prick)

This isn't so bad...

"You're blood is coming out really slowly."

Is that really a bad thing? I'm happy that my blood has grown fond of my body. I'd die if my blood was in a rush to part ways with my body. Literally...

Whew...it's over. Nothing could be worse than this except Christmas shopping on the busiest shopping day of the year, awww son of a bitch...

"Before you leave, we need to take a urine sample from you."

What?!

Breathe...

Relax...

OMG, I can't pee! I'm not claustrophobic, but the walls of this washroom certainly seem like they are caving in on me. Of all the things, I'm going to fail this freaking urine test!

Come on, bladder... (In Rob Schneider Waterboy voice:) You can do it!

Oh yeah, just let it all out. OK, you can stop now. Now you really need to stop. I said stop dammit!

What a relief. Peeing never felt so good!

A Visit to the Doctor's

Hickory dickory fu-ock, I went to see the doc. The monthlong buildup for what turned out to be a 30 minute getting to know you sesssion. And I had no idea he was a celebrity! It cost me $20 for the one-on-one meet-and-greet. Overall, very anticlimactic...

...Not to change the subject, but is it me or was Blade III really an 1.5+ hour-long IPOD infomercial?

Back to the doctor's...I had to smile a little answering a question on the medical history form that asked about being sexually active. When I think of the phrase "sexually active," I think of volcanic activity. I think it's because, like a volcano, my eruptions are few and far between (yes, I know what you're thinking: "Poor Fez". So I wonder how my doctor would react if I responded to the question with, "No, right now I'm sexually dormant. But if the circumstances are right I could explode at anytime!"

I handed in the form and a few minutes later a nurse opens a door halfway and calls my name. I think a pre-requesite for this person's line of work has to be previous work experience as a dominatrix. She just called out my name and I knew to come to her. Not another word. And the fact that she opened the door halfway leads me to believe that she probably had a whip in the one hand I couldn't see just in case I didn't understand her unspoken command to follow her at the call of my name. She took me to a special room, put her stick in my mouth and told me to bite. Kinky, kinky...

The nurse had her way with me and then led me to another special room - the "Examination Room" where the doctor was to see me. I waited there patiently. And finally the doctor came! Then he shook my hand. Hee hee...

After a month of waiting, you'd figure I'd be prepared to tell him everything that was wrong with me. But my mind was elsewhere. Besides being stuck in the gutter, I was thinking that right at that moment of how I saw the doctor and the doctor said, "Ooh-ee-ooh-ah-ah, ting-tang-walla-walla-bing-bang, Ooh-ee-ooh-ah-ah," and then he shrunk my head. But he didn't. Instead, he told me to get some tests done, and that we'd go over the results in a few weeks.

And that's it. The End.

The Great Chicago Fire of December 6, 2004

So how 'bout that fire in the middle of Chicago's financial district? I didn't find out about it until a concerned Chosen One's father called to ask if I was safe. Interesting how someone over 1,700 miles away knew about what was going on, when I, being less than 17 miles away, did not. As usual, Erwin is the last to know, and in this case, the last to know the 4-1-1 on the 9-1-1 in the 3-1-2 at the 1-3-5 where there was a major 5-11 at 6-30 on 12-6...

And now some observations surrounding the event:

1. Fire starts with an "F" and so does Female. And like a female, it will do anything for attention, i.e. preventing men from watching any sport on TV. So when Monday Night Football was interrupted for what seemed like the entire game for fire coverage, all I could think of was another word that started with "F": FUCK!

2. When I get my own place, a fireplace will need to be a must. The 3 hours I spent watching the fire was more entertaining than anything I had seen on TV in a really long time. Now if only I could have gotten marshmallows to roast by simply waving them in front of the TV, I'd be set.

3. I really have to wonder how many takes reporters have to do for their taped news pieces to be deemed good enough to air on TV. They must cringe when they have to do live breaking news stories because they show to the world how really air-headed they are. There should have only been one station that should have been allowed to do the live reporting coverage. All the other stations could have just shown the live footage of the fire with "Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire" playing in the background.

4. Tourists are not people. They are obstacles in the path to reaching point B from point A. Since we do not consider these things to be people, we should have the right to push them into the middle of oncoming traffic when they walk slow, stop or make an effort to stare at the building with a black smoke band around it. Hell, we should push these people things into oncoming traffic anyways because it's our duty as law-abiding citizens. What law says we should push stupid ass clowns into the middle of the street for the sake of humanity you ask? It's called Survival of the Fittest.

As the Cookie Crumbles

Hey, doesn't that sound like a catchy title to some new reality TV series? Okay, maybe not, but at least it sounds more original than The Real Gilligan's Island. Is the original Gilligan's Island going to be renamed The More Real Gilligan's Island or The Original Gilligan's Island? And about this so-called Real Gilligan's Island...if memory serves me correctly, the original crew of the SS Minnow was rescued, but then managed to get themselves stranded on the anonymous "island" again...so why aren't they given a chance to compete on this show? The perfect but abrupt ending to the show would be the revelation that the original cast, after eating all the coconuts on the island, have become savages and cannibalize the Gilligan's Island castaway wannabe's. We've already had a reality show called Dog Eat Dog, why not Human Eat Human? That would make for awesome ratings!

Oh man, I've got myself started:

And why do they call reality tv shows that? Those shows are so far from reality it's not even funny. Where in reality do I get to be stranded on some tropical paradise and talk shit about everyone else behind their backs? Or totally whore myself out to a bunch of women who say they want to marry me out of love knowing that whether or not the relationship works out, there's certainly gotta be some type of cash prize involved somewhere?

And about the contestants...the filming of these shows seem to take place over a lengthy period of time. What do these people tell their bosses about leaving work? "Mr. or Ms. Boss person, I am loyal to the company and I really do love what I do, but I have aspiring dreams to become a reality TV show actor or actress, and I feel this is the one and only shot I have to achieve it"?

Could you imagine what the world would be like without these stupid, pointless shows?

I Actually Have Time To Think

For some reason, two conversations I've had with other people (as opposed to myself or with something other than human, which occur more frequently these days) over the past week are still lingering in my brain. Guess they want to come out for me to share, eh?

Here it goes...so last weekend I helped The Chosen One study for her exam that, if passed, would allow her to enroll in Teaching School (I digress, isn't the phrase "School of Education" redundant?). We were going over the answers to the grammar portion of a test exam when I revealed something to her I had long forgotten about:

The Chosen One: Erwin, you're such a smartee.
The Chooser of the One: Nah, I had fun doing this grammar stuff...if med school and becoming a doctor didn't work out, I wanted to try journalism.
The Chosen One: But you're in business-ag?
The Chooser of the One: Yep, I know...

Funny how things work out that way. I never thought I'd be doing what I am doing today (getting reamed without the lube). So much for reaching for the stars and achieving my dreams, which leads me to conversation #2....

I heard that a person who is similar to me in age and has a great career in front of him is starting up a new business as the owner of a nail salon which doubles as an art studio. Holy crap, add this along with the fact that he goes to school and just purchased a house, this person's got a lot going for him...and he's around my age!!! Then I think about myself. Yes, I too have a pretty good career, and I also do some computer repair and upgrade sidework, and I'm looking into possibly opening an investment club in the near future, but that's it. What more can I possibly do? Try E-Bay? I don't have enough Lance Armstrong bracelets to auction off. Sell porn? I'd be my best customer. Donate sperm? Seeing how this would fall in line with my plot to conquer the world, I'd do it for free...

It's really all the WWE's fault. I felt pretty accomplished until they gave the World Championship to a 24 year old. That makes me feel pretty shitty. Thanks, WWE. I love you anyways.

All Is Well Again

Yes, all is well again with "us," but I'm not quite sure about "me." Take for instance CD shopping and while picking up the new Eminem, also picking up the greatest hits CD of Toby Keith. Although the milestone of actually buying a CD is pretty significant, it was dwarfed by the fact that history was made as Erwin purchased his first country CD ever. Wow, country...whoever thought I'd be jamming to "Beer for my Horses"?

My Weekend - The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

The Good
Chinese food for breakfast
Running into WWE wrestler Lance Storm and getting his autograph
Dropping everything to comfort and support someone I care about

The Bad
Airport Chinese food for breakfast
Looking like a complete jackass fawning over Lance Storm like he was Britney Spears
Getting shit on, betrayed and blindsided by someone I care about

The Ugly
Coming into work in a really crappy mood. The fact that it's month-end isn't helping...
Reliving the good and the bad of this weekend and suffering today's ugliness to the theme of The Barbie Song...

Suddenly, living in a world made of plastic doesn't sound so bad anymore...

Let's Play "Rhymes with..."

..."Hair"...

“My hair, my hair, where is my hair?”
I say to myself in pity and stare
What was once full is now bare
My head feels naked now in the cold air

I’m getting a migraine, where’s the bottle of Bayer?
Feeling better I reminisce, now and then I compare,
It was really nothing special, nothing debonair
It wasn’t even that long, still the length was fair
And now all that’s left is a very thin layer

I had a bad feeling walking to that barber’s chair
Apprehension over a haircut for me is so rare
But not listening to me he asked his friend for a square
Then he proceeded to shave my head without a care
And with that screwup there would be or could be no repair

My traumatic experience with you I now share
What was once full is now bare
I say to myself in pity and stare,
“My hair, my hair, where is my hair?”