Entirely Erwin

8 Simple Rules for Driving in Chicago

1. When approaching intersections, continue to drive at least 5 seconds past the change of light color to red -- otherwise the driver behind you might go through your bumper.

2. When trying to turn left, move well into the intersection, and after the light has turned red wait for the 10 approaching cars to clear the intersection and then turn while you block the movement of cross traffic. No one expects to start on green in Chicago.

3. If the car in front of you is going to turn after the red light has changed, you can turn as well, just stay within 12 inches of their bumper to make this legal.

4. Drive with one hand on the horn, just in case, and the other holding a cell phone to your ear.

5. If there are pedestrians or tourists in the crosswalk preventing the car in front of you from making a turn, honk your horn as loudly as you can and encourage all other drivers to do the same, as this will make the stress of running down pedestrians less than the stress of being the object of so much sound fury.

6. Always honk at tourists in the crosswalk as there are only 7 million of them per year, and this is our city, so they should spend their money and get out of the way.

7. If you see a traffic cop in a police car, take a photo, as such occurrences are about as rare as finding a spotted owl in Chicago.

8. If you need to change lanes, the best way is to push toward the sides of luxury cars that will give way rather than take a chance on being scratched.