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Erwin and Cathy
Erwin
A Visit to the Doctor's
Hickory dickory fu-ock, I went to see the doc. The monthlong buildup for what turned out to be a 30 minute getting to know you sesssion. And I had no idea he was a celebrity! It cost me $20 for the one-on-one meet-and-greet. Overall, very anticlimactic...
...Not to change the subject, but is it me or was Blade III really an 1.5+ hour-long IPOD infomercial?
Back to the doctor's...I had to smile a little answering a question on the medical history form that asked about being sexually active. When I think of the phrase "sexually active," I think of volcanic activity. I think it's because, like a volcano, my eruptions are few and far between (yes, I know what you're thinking: "Poor Fez". So I wonder how my doctor would react if I responded to the question with, "No, right now I'm sexually dormant. But if the circumstances are right I could explode at anytime!"
I handed in the form and a few minutes later a nurse opens a door halfway and calls my name. I think a pre-requesite for this person's line of work has to be previous work experience as a dominatrix. She just called out my name and I knew to come to her. Not another word. And the fact that she opened the door halfway leads me to believe that she probably had a whip in the one hand I couldn't see just in case I didn't understand her unspoken command to follow her at the call of my name. She took me to a special room, put her stick in my mouth and told me to bite. Kinky, kinky...
The nurse had her way with me and then led me to another special room - the "Examination Room" where the doctor was to see me. I waited there patiently. And finally the doctor came! Then he shook my hand. Hee hee...
After a month of waiting, you'd figure I'd be prepared to tell him everything that was wrong with me. But my mind was elsewhere. Besides being stuck in the gutter, I was thinking that right at that moment of how I saw the doctor and the doctor said, "Ooh-ee-ooh-ah-ah, ting-tang-walla-walla-bing-bang, Ooh-ee-ooh-ah-ah," and then he shrunk my head. But he didn't. Instead, he told me to get some tests done, and that we'd go over the results in a few weeks.
And that's it. The End.
Sunday, December 12, 2004
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7 comments:
I've found you. Yes, yes be afraid. Be very afraid. Run and hide, asshole. Run and hide. If you should be picked up next week buying a hundred-thousand dollar sports car in Newport Beach, I am going to be supremely disappointed. Because I want my people to find you, and when they do, rest assured we are not going to hand you over to the police. So my advice to you again is this: run and hide. That is all that I ask.
What is my goal here?
To conquer my enemies, see them driven before me, and hear the lamentation of their pseudo women.
Why? Because I'm Big Bear and I'm iron tuff. I'm Big Bear and I don't take no gruff.
Look, we all go way back and uh, I owe you from the thing with the guy in the place and I'll never forget it.
-Big Bear
Hi "Big Bear",
Just to clarify, did you find me or did you find my blog? Because if you did find me, why would you want me to run and hide only to have your people find me themselves?
I mean, really, is a friend of a friend an enemy of the enemy?
Well sir you make a good point. A gentleman and a scholar. To clarify, I suggest you run and hide, well 1. because I am simply looking out for your best interest, I am not a monster and 2. I just kinda like playing games. What I propose is a battle of whits. Truly, you have a dizzying intellect. Altho, how brilliant can someone be that assaults people with super soakers.
Think about it.
Big Bear
Hello chap,
You propose a battle of wits and you compliment my intellect, yet you implore me to think of something as trivial as a super soaker assault? My good man, if I can "assault" others using something as imfantile as a water gun, could you even fathom the barrage put forth using more advanced weaponry, particularly of the cerebral type? Unfortunately, you cannot. For to acknowledge my dizzying intellect is to become so enthralled by it that one experiences a sensation of euphoric dymensia at the very thought that he or she sees, smells, tastes and hears the greatness that lives both within me and around me.
You mentioned that you like to play games? Well, remember this, playa: I am the game
Ah yes, I've know for quite some time that you had an inquisitive mind. Even back in the days of your foolish youth you would epxirement and see how far CD's would fly across parking lots. We learned much about gravity that day. However compared to me you are still a mental midget. Your lilliputian brain capacity is no match for my grey matter.
You mess with the bull you just might get the horns. So you are the game? Well YOU listen to this playa hata, you might be the game, but I'm the referee.
Toodles.
-Big Bear
Where exactly is your grey matter, oh grey fool? What happened to the battle of wits? The challenge is over before it has even begun. Do you not comprehend that by self-appointing yourself referee, you acknowledge your subservience to me as you have admitted to serving MY game, under MY rules?? A win is a win, but a victory to me this is not. You will live another day because I let you, but just remember that it is I, not he, who can giveth...and taketh away I shall.
Ah so the proverbial jig is up my friend. So stop sitting on your grey matter and email me or something. Haven't talked to you in ages, or give me an email of yours that oh I don't know... works?
thegreyfool@yahoo.com
Talk to you soon,
Bear
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