Camera!

Karma’s a bitch. Case in point:

After a night of Super Bowl celebrating three years ago, a drunken Carl tripped over himself on the way back to the car. Clumsy Carl…

Bar hopping on President’s Day two years ago, Eric lost his balance and also tripped over himself. Silly Eric…

Last year was supposed to be my turn to trip and fall, but nothing happened. For some reason, I was spared. Or was I?

Karma’s a bitch. And Karma will eventually make you its bitch. And Karma will call you Susie in the process of bitchification (I digress…Or is it bitchisynthesis? No, bitchisynthesis is the onset of menstruation when women go from plain crazy to psycho nuts).

What goes around does indeed come around, and if it doesn’t come right away, be afraid…be very afraid…because all The Powers That Be are doing is stroking themselves a few more times for an even greater money shot between the eyes, your eyes, all for the sake of some divine shits and giggles at your expense.

Karma’s a bitch. Trust me. I now know.

It’s the morning of Super Bowl Sunday, and Carl, Eric and I go fishing. Even though the sun’s out, it’s still February and it’s freaking cold. The river where we are to go fishing is higher than normal, and because of that, we get from one side of land to the other by crossing on a fallen tree trunk.

This is not where I fall. One Power That Be must have told another Power That Be to stroke slower for the time being…

We all cross safely, and a few yards up ahead, Carl says to head to higher ground because the muddy river bank is too slippery to walk through. But in my case, his advice was too little, too late.

Karma’s a bitch. And here comes the money shot…

Kerplunk.



Like the giant turd you dropped this morning from last night’s bean burrito dinner, I slipped on the muddy bank and fell into the river. From the shoulders down, I was submerged under ice cold water. From the neck up, I was feeling the frigid weather more than ever. I don’t know about all those levels that Dante’s hell had, but I do know that there are at least two levels of hell in Tennessee.

Karma’s a bitch. And at the moment, Carl and Eric are its best friends.

This is where the comedy begins…

As soon as I hit the water, I was thinking about the piece of expensive gadgetry around my neck, my non-waterproof 30X zoom digital camera. While most people in freezing waters would scream, “Help!” I couldn’t help but scream, “Camera!”

And being the good friends and quick thinkers that they are, Carl and Eric turned around, saw me in the water, and…grabbed my hand their cameras and started taking pictures of me struggling in the water to get out. I yelled, “Camera!” again, this time raising it up so that Carl and Eric saw it and would hopefully understand to take it up to higher ground. Instead, Eric reached for my camera and tried to take pictures of me with it still in the river trying to get out. It wasn’t until I yelled, “I can’t feel my nuts,” when they finally tried to get me out. I guess a man’s life isn’t in danger until his manhood is being threatened.

Yet another memorable Carl, Eric and Erwin Three Amigo moment…

Super Bowl celebration at The Playing Field


BTW - my camera no longer works. Help me preserve the good times through taking pictures by donating to the Erwin Needs a New Camera Drive by clicking the button on the right. Thanks for your generosity!

Three Amigos in Tennessee: Day Two

Jack Daniels Tour in the morning



Three Men and a Baby in the afternoon


Some observations:

-Carl's bare ass in your face will get anyone in a coma out of bed

-You can't make good French toast from wheat bread. At least Eric can't

-Tennessee mountain men are direct descendants of Gimli from Lord of the Rings

-There's always at least one German tourist on the Jack Daniels tour

-Bringing a baby into a Tennessee restaraunt attracts nothing but the ugliest women Tennessee has to offer

-Chess pie is good. Too bad no one in the entire state of Tennessee knows what's in it

-Number of people who invited us to their grandma's for dinner in one restaraunt sitting: 2

-Using restarunt road rules type rules, what movie do three flaming hetro's randomly choose from Carl's library? Highway Men

-To stink up a car, ask Eric to fart. To stink up a shirt that someone's wearing, ask Carl to fart. To have an entire floor of a house rebuilt - that's my alley

For pics of the entire trip, click here.

Three Amigos Invade Nashville

I put the "TWANG" in country...


...While Tim McGraw's trying to put the twang in me


The Beer Sellar, 99 different beers and we only tried 3


Our Hooters server, Shana. Shana Fact: She's celibant


Me and Eric on the corner of Gay St and Church St


Nashville Kats arena football home opener

Gay or Not Gay?

Princess Dushku-Bubby's birthday princess coronation at Calo:

The Baby

Why it that even though the baby has a name, the baby is still referred to as "the baby"?

Example: Carl, it's your turn to feed the baby. Wake your queer ass up you fat pig!

Other observations while in Tennessee:

*I never thought that throwing your own garbage out in the neighborhood trash compactor could be so much fun.

*In addition to people who can't brake properly, people who talk non-stop also makes me car sick.

The Story of a Missing Friend

Wow, I never thought that the Dumbass of the Year would be found within the first ten days of the new year, but he was found as a missing Edmond caused a few of his friends to celebrate worry about his whereabouts. Luckily, everything turned out OK and I could now make a movie on his harrowing saga...

It's a cold and cloudy Sunday afternoon, an ominous day for a hockey playoff game. Edmond, the hockey team's token Albanian, leaves for the game when he sees two girls:

"How about a pre-game warm-up?"



"Oh crap, I think I dislocated my knee."



"It's the Boogeyman, and I'm comin' to get 'cha."



"Yeah, my knee's really dislocated now."


Don't Ditch Your Hockey Team For Some Play

Coming to a theater near you.

2005: The Year in Review

I'd like to say that 2005 was a great year, but it wasn't. What looked to be a promising year as far as personal expectations go, the year 2005 instead was 365 days going in the wrong direction filled with a lot of dread and misery.

1st Quarter 2005: January - March

Most memorable moment: The Three Amigos reunite in what would be the only get together of the year, wreaking havoc each time a touchdown was scored, "Where's our shot?"

Honorable mentions: Valentine's Day weekend and Cathy's tears of joy...hiking and camping in the Olympic National Rain Forest...meeting the 2005 Hooters calendar girls


2nd Quarter 2005: April - June

Most memorable moment: Spending my birthday weekend with several of my closest friends in the Wisconsin Dells area. I think that was the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me and by far the best birthday I've ever had to date. I also won't forget the eating exhibition at Famous Dave's ("One more meat") and the look on our server's face at Paul Bunyon's when he saw a fake thumb under a stack of pancakes.

Honorable mentions: Starved Rock and the "grill in the dumpster" dilemma...going to the dentist for the first time in over eight years and having a clean checkup.

Most infamous moment: CIS being sold to now defunct Refco.


3rd Quarter 2005: July - August

Most memorable moment: Having issues getting off a pharoah statue at Luxor Casino in Las Vegas. This also had to be my scariest moment of 2005. I don't remember panicking very much in 2005, but this was definitely one of those times.

Honorable mentions: Hiking through the Valley of Fire desert...Hiking and camping both at Mount Ranier National Park and the San Juan Islands...WWE letter confirming ringside seats for WrestleMania 22.

Most infamous moment (tie): Byran Adams/Def Leppard concert...Finding out the real story behind why I wasn't hired by a certain company in Minnesota - I was screwed...


4th Quarter 2005: September - December

Most memorable moment: Seeing Cathy graduate after a craptacular time getting there.

Most infamous moment: Ending the year unemployed.

Yep. What a shitty way to end the year. So much for ending on a high note. There's always next year, right?

Breaking Kayfabe: Gone Too Soon

I am a fan of professional wrestling.

While others have outgrown the continuous battle between the good guys (faces) and the bad guys (heels), I take pride in what is known as "sports entertainment" because having practically grown up watching pro wrestling, it is truly a part of me. I live for it, breathe it, sleep it and if it was still edible, I'd eat it too (they don't make those ice cream bars anymore).

If you follow wrasslin as closely as I do, then you have a pretty good appreciation for what each of those individuals does no matter how much you like them or hate them and regardless of whether or not they suck. To the "smart mark," you realize that the average wrestler you see on TV is in at least 100 matches a year and spends at least 200 days on the road travelling from small towns to big cities all over the world. And they choose this way of life, wearing away their own bodies and risking injury, to do one thing: to entertain.

Which is the reason Eddie Guerrero's death is so much harder to swallow. Hearing about his death, all I could think of was that it couldn't be true. Maybe it was a relative of his that died. Maybe it was a nasty rumor for the internet wrestling junkies. Then to later have the headline confirmed, reality set it - no more Latino heat, no more lying, cheating and stealing, no more viva la raza, no more cheat to win, no more low riders, no more three amigos, no more going froggy in Eddie's own unique way. Love him or hate him, you had to respect him for the performances he gave, and if you couldn't tell from this list of everything he's done recently, he'll truly be missed.



Eddie, I've followed your storied career for over 15 years. Back when Triple H was Terra Ryzene and Chris Jericho was the Lionheart, you were still Eddie Guerrero, always staying true to yourself till the end. Thanks for the memories, holmes. We're going to miss you. Viva la raza...







(Pics from wwe.com)

Next Year's Halloween Costume

For various non-Jehovah's Witness-type reasons, I think Halloween is my least favorite holiday. I've always wondered what the point was of dressing up for candy when there always seems to be a group of trick or treaters that goes door to door with one kid that doesn't even bother to dress up. While the other kids are dressed up looking adorable in their costumes, when the kid who's decked out in jeans and a plain t-shirt opens his bag and says "Trick or Treat," the sorry get-a-life loser who gets stuck passing out the candy while his friends are out at some Halloween party mingling with hot girls dressed up as hoes who really are skanks but are pretending to be sluts must be thinking one of two things:

1. "A plain-clothed kid. Must be a serial killer."
2. "I wonder how many Snickers bars it would take to get me a hoe, a skank or a slut at that party. I've got 10."

Either way, I bet that plain-clothed kid ends up with more candy at the end of the night.

That being said, I suggest that the new hot costume for next Halloween be an iPod. Not just any iPod, however. Choose whichever version and whatever color your heart desires. Except there is one catch - you have to look like an iPod with the sad face and exclamation point that you get when you turn on one that's fucked beyond repair:



How does one achieve this look? Interesting question because I'm not sure since everywhere I've gone doesn't really give a cause and the solution always seems to be "Apple fucked you for $250 (that's beyond ho, skank or slut status since that costs a lot of Snickers) and you like it and we know you like it because you love that iPod so much we bet you're going to go out and buy another one which was made even more poorly than the one you bought which means we'll see you again and again and again."

So I guess to acheive the look, I guess all you need to do is punch your friend who is dressed up as an iPod (the 4G 20GB one is my personal favorite) where the clickwheel is, which just happens to be strategically positioned over your belly. It'll be cute.

No, not really. I'd rather be a plain-clothed serial killer.

Early Stress at New Job

So, I have this friend (yeah, I know what you're thinking)...

Who recently accepted a new job. My friend lived a clean life, just an occassional drink or seven (at least that's as far as the friend could count before becoming more and more sober) . Then one day, my friend, inspired by Weezer and their song "We Are All on Drugs" decides to smoooooke. Minutes between tokes seem to last for hours, and after a night of red-eyed puffiness and krispy kreme donuts, my friend is feeling pretty damn good...

Until my friend comes back to work and learns that the new job requires new employees to do a drug test as part of the 90-day use me/screw me period. Now my friend is tweaking out (not really, but that's next on my friend's Druggies for Dummies checklist) not only because of the drug test, but because my friend is an Aries..and you know what they say about Aries, those fucking worriers...they don't shit pellets, droppings or whatever women claim they excrete (you know, like how women claim they don't fart or rip, they puff), no, hell no. Aries shit out monster sized Shaquille O' Neals that smell the way your intestines smell if they were turned inside out and baked in a humid Ethiopian sunbath in the middle of some Manhattan sewer.

So now my friend needs to pee in a cup, but this time, there seems to be a lot more at stake than achieving 100 percent accuracy into the cup. To all my "buds" out there, any advice on what my friend can do to pass it? Should my friend even be worried?

Rest In Peace, Kitty

You will be missed.

Moving On - A Professional Template for Goodbye

My official farewell at work:

In my first CIS townhall meeting a little over two and a half years ago,
an employee was recognized for his length of service to the
organization. When asked to comment about his tenure, he summed it up
with the following:

"If you can dream it, you can do it and there's no better place to do it
than at CIS, and there's no better time than now."

Since that time, there hasn't been a day that's gone by when I haven't
lived by these words at work. CIS has given me opportunities that I
probably would not have received had I worked elsewhere, and for that I
am very grateful. All I ever wanted to do was make a positive
difference; by getting the chance to work with many of you, I personally
feel like I have accomplished this and so much more.

For some, as I write to let you know that today is my last day working
with you, this isn't so much "goodbye" as it is "see you later." Never
have I been in a working environment that is so tight-knit on both a
professional and personal level, and I have no doubts that I will run
into some of you again somewhere, sometime.

I wish you all the best and thank you for making CIS truly the place to
be.

Sincerely yours,
Erwin

It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

Do You Su Doku?

Harry Potter. The iPod. And now...Su Doku?

This logic number puzzle is the latest thing to hit people who feel they have a few brain cells worth sacrificing in order to pass time on the train to or from work. The goal: to fill in the grid so that every row, every column, and every 3x3 box contains the digits 1 through 9. Give it a shot:

Anal Metaphors

As the takeover of my company gets closer and closer to becoming official, I feel comforted knowing that I am no longer the only one bending over and taking it up the ass. Some people are actually taking it harder than I am, getting the big black bitch splitter without the KY, which seems like a pretty painful combo. All of us are getting screwed in the end.

And once all is said and done next week, many of the looser assholes will be thrown to the side, while the ones that still have some tightness in them will continue to act as butt bitches for the company that bought us out. For me, I've been given a career opportunity where I'd start out as just another asshole but eventually become the dick that fucks an asshole.

I digress, all this talk kinda reminds me of this notable Team America quote:

"Pussies don't like dicks, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes: assholes that just want to shit on everything. Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way. But the only thing that can fuck an asshole is a dick, with some balls. The problem with dicks is: they fuck too much or fuck when it isn't appropriate - and it takes a pussy to show them that. But sometimes, pussies can be so full of shit that they become assholes themselves... because pussies are an inch and half away from ass holes. I don't know much about this crazy, crazy world, but I do know this: If you don't let us fuck this asshole, we're going to have our dicks and pussies all covered in shit!"

The quote is so true. Our goods are getting plundered in this raping and pillaging, and the men are starting to share their decreasing masculine tidbits. For example, in a meeting to go over our new benefits, my male colleagues were discussing how their gynecologists weren't part of the new health plan.

Please let the suffering end.

San Juan Islands

For more pics, check out my album on the right.

Mount Rainier National Park

For more pics, check out my album on the right.

Finally...Erwin Has (or Will) Come Back To...

The Showcase of the Immortals. Where it all begins...again...

And it's official...I'm going to WrestleMania XXII...sitting RINGSIDE...Hope to see you there!

Optical Illusions

Are the black diamonds on the top or the bottom of each step?



Are the lines in this image parallel to each other? Are they straight?



What image do you see in the picture below? Do you see the woman and horn player?



How many legs does this elephant have?



I was in a cab with friends on the way to breakfast after a long night of gambling and hardly any sleep in Las Vegas when I saw a car with this license plate zoom by. By the time I did a double and triple take, it was too late for me to snap a shot (thanks, Photoshop!). What does this say?



I know California has the Golden Gate Bridge, but geez, they really do take pride in their golden showers.

Return to Sin City

Has your airplane flight ever been delayed because one of your pilots was missing? After a lengthy delay, finally I've returned...along with my closest friends.

At the Beach

Black Thursday

Fuck work and fuck the company I work for...

Over two years without calling in sick. Covering the functions of those people who did call in. Coming into work early. Leaving work late. The only one in the area who really understood both the technical and the business side of the things that are done...

And still that wasn't enough of an impact to earn a bonus.

I wouldn't be so upset if it wasn't for the fact that 45% of the entire workforce got one. The number's pretty significant because at a time when our company's sale is close to being official, a lot of people are going to lose their jobs...and since I fall in the approximate bottom half of the bonus pool, I'm taking that to mean the probability of me sticking around is a lot lower than those who earned a bonus.

It's not about the money - I'm one who believes that if you work your ass off, you should be rewarded for it. This obviously wasn't the case. Instead, you were rewarded if the person making the bonus decision knew who you were (or in corporate speak, "made an impact"). I apologize for going above and beyond what was asked of me as mentioned in my glowing review (which to management means nothing to them). Just goes to show it's not a matter of what you've done, but who you know...

With all the crap that's gone on since I've been where I'm at, I've been the calm force that's kept quiet and done my work. I've never bitched, moaned or complained...ever. I've dreaded working where I am before, but not to this extent, not like this. I'm heartbroken and bitter, and when you start feeling that much despair and hatred, it's time to move on because it's not worth it anymore - there is no more hope.

Country Music Is Better Than...

While going to this year's Summerfest in Milwaukee, I discovered that going to a country music concert (saw Tim McGraw and Keith Urban) is a lot less painful than at least three things:

1) Listening to a band that cov-errrrrrrrrs songs of the Beatles AND Metallica with theirrrrrrrrrr lead sing-errrrrrrrr giving the worrrrrrrrrrrrst Larrrrrrrrrrrs impression (yes, he really talked and sang like that)

2) Going through a Gillette Venus vibrating razor promo truck booth with the Chosen One for a free razor, only to find out that after watching teeny bopper girls strike a pose and learning about how to use the razor on a really big razor display, they weren't giving out razors at all.

3) Spending over an hour getting out of Milwaukee because Wisconsin cheeseheads and country music yodels can't drive for shit. Are all people who live in a state that starts with "W" crappy drivers?

Starved Rock Pics

Just Another Victim of Corporate America

Shocked. Worried. Hurt. Mad. And any other feelings that you can think of that are far from nice and peachy.

Why?

All because of this piece of news.

The announcement's pretty big since I happen to work for the company that is being "acquired"...

...I have to digress and utilize the crappy college education I obtained and state simple logic statements of fact (less the logic symbols because, figuring I'd never apply them to anything again, I kinda forgot them):

People have feelings.
People are affected by decisions made by a corporation.
People make up a corporation.
If people did not exist,
Then corporations would not exist.
Corporations do not have feelings
Therefore,
When making announcements regarding the potential non-existence of a currently existing corporation,
The announcement will affect people's feelings,
And will not affect the corporation.

I find that in corporate America, this is not the case. Not when you use a word like
"acquired" to signify being taken over or bought out. Or take this actual scenario that speaks of hiring freezes, layoffs and getting fired:

"Due to unforseen circumstances, the decision to grow our staff has been challenged. Because of this hiring challenge, our next step is to analyze our current situation for unnecessary work process inefficiencies. Unfortunately as a result of our findings, there will most likely be some redundancies. Oh and by the way, your manager is on personal leave of absence for some period of time." - The corporation

All these inanimate words and phrases - who is Corporate America trying to kid? Where is the moral integrity? Whatever happened to straightforward open and honest communication? I guess it doesn't exist in corporate America...

So yeah, this announcement sucks. Serious questions that we thought we would never have to ask like, "What's going to happen to the company X-Box?" need answers.

Yet Another Washington Pic...or Two

Geez, it's like I can't get enough of this place. A couple glimpses of the Columbia River:

You Got It All Wrong

Michael Jackson's lawyer said that the pop star is going to be more careful and not let children into his bed because "it makes him vulnerable to false charges." Was Jackson's lawyer on Jesus juice? Michael Jackson shouldn't let children into his bed because...IT'S FUCKING WRONG!!! Kids run to their parents' bed when they can't sleep because they're afraid of something - thunder, the boogie man, purple skittles...

They go to their parents because there's a sense of comfort and security. Imagine waking up in the middle of the night with this lying right next to you and staring, drooling and horny:




Do you see the comfort and security there? I don't.

Mmmm, Human

The Body Worlds exhibit at the Museum of Science and Industry is pretty interesting. On display are actual human corpses in poses, all of which are stripped down to literally nothing but their insides. Having been up close to some autopsies in my pre-med days, I really didn't find the exhibit freaky. What I felt disturbing, however, was the thought of how certain parts of the human body on display at the exhibit closely resembled the great dinner some friends and I had at Sal and Carvao the night before. Mouth watering filet mignon, lamb shank and sirloin just didn't sound so mouth watering when mentally comparing them to chest, arm and back muscles of the human bodies displayed right before me in the museum exhibit.

Kinda makes me wonder what the soccer team whose airplance crashed in the Andes back in the 1970s were thinking when they ate their fellow passengers that did not survive the crash - "Mmmm, I've got a taste for bacon, may I have some of that ass please?"

Santy's Birthday Pics

Taken at Sal and Carvao:







Taken at Navy Pier in the Ferris Wheel

Caption This!

Posted by Hello

My First Race

Dear Sciatic Nerve,

In a figurative way, you are an asshole. Nice attempt to get me to quit running the race. Too bad I finished, and I finished running strong. Eat shit and die mothafucka.

Have a nice day,
Erwin


Posted by Hello

At the Dentist's

I guess when you're in a relationship, the ability to use selective listening when discussing a specific topic slowly but surely disappears after awhile. It's kinda like when you were 8 years old playing Super Mario Bros. on your old school Nintendo and using the star for invincibility; nothing phases you when you first get it, but as time passes you're invincibility eventually wears away...

...I digress...Mario was a stud back in his day. Viagra, Cialis, Levitra - all these <2 finger quotes> "men's health" drug commercials in today's everyday television programming have some kind of disclaimer that says that you should see a doctor if you have an erection that lasts more than 4 hours. What the hell is a doctor going to do to take care of your erection? Chop it off? Mario, on the other hand, knew exactly where to go. He couldn't possibly have broken all those bricks without sustaining a headache or concussion unless his head was hard. And what was the point of jumping over fiery pits with his hard head? To get to the Princess, duh, because he would definitely be rewarded. Doesn't it all make sense now?...

OK, back to the topic...so after hearing from the Chosen One many times about going to the dentist, I finally gave in. After over 5+ years of being away, I was finally sitting once again in the dentist's chair under his bright interrogative lights. The ordeal wasn't too bad, except that I found it kinda disturbing that the moment he started cleaning my teeth, the song Vogue came on the radio. I'm not sure why, but I was expecting him to tell me that they voted that song as the National Association of Dentist's (NAD) theme song and that he needed to vogue to the dentist gods for a good teeth cleansing.

Subliminal Advertising

"... is it me or was Blade III really an 1.5+ hour-long IPOD infomercial?"

-From one of my December posts

On the eve of the Blade III DVD release this week, I finally acted on this lingering side remark by FINALLY purchasing an iPod...and having it in my possession (I actually won an iPod on eBay but after a month, put in a claim to get my money back for fraudulent non-receipt). I think what put me over is the fact that saying your prayers and eating your vitamins like Hulk Hogan said to do only got you as far as the end of the 90's (not even that far really). It's a new millenia now; gone are the days of "hulking up" (which now comes with serious consequences in baseball and football). To fight the new breed of bad guys, we do the (iPod) shuffle - we get on our laptop computers, download, transfer and listen. Then we take our signature iPod earbuds off and proceed to kick butt.

Of course, that was just a movie. In reality, we listen to music that either bores us to sleep or is so bad we struggle through the rest of our day trying to get it out of our head by trying to replace it with more shitty music. That's what the iPod is really for - to show just how crappy your music collection truly is. They've even enlisted U2 as its spokesband:

U2 = Most overrated band in the world
iPod = Most overrated Walkman

iPod and U2 -> A perfect match

Birthday Kidnapping


Posted by Hello

Wisconsin Dells road trip 4/16/05 weekend