Work Husband

I've been called a lot of things, some pleasant and some not so pleasant, but never have I been referred to as work husband. Hmmm, work husband...Has a good ring to it, but I don't ever recall getting "work married" or going on a "work honeymoon". And apparently, I'm still a work virgin also since I've never had work sex.

Yes, work husband is what I am to co-worker Michelle who I guess is my "work wifey." She didn't even deem the term; her "real" husband (actually, future hubby since they're engaged) did. I don't know what's worse - getting called that from another guy or getting called that from a guy and learning that the phrase "work husband" refers to a gay guy on a show called King of Queens...

Geez, I can't seem to shake this whole gay thing off. Personally, I like the title Michelle has given me better - "the last decent guy on earth." So I can relate to females and get along with them well enough to not be smacked across the face or to not get a swift kick to the nuts...often. How does this make me gay? I get whatever's on their mind out in the open and they're comfortable enough with me to talk about it and it makes them feel better. So I'm more like a female stress reliever right? Kinda like a "work vibrator"...

On second thought, maybe work husband sounds okay after all....

Daily Question of the Day: Starting with number '1', if you were to go in ascending order and spell out each number (i.e. number '1' = one), what would be the first number that would contain the letter 'A'?

What I Do For a Paycheck

OK class, today we are going on a field trip and learning what I do for a living. Why? Because for whatever friggin reason (full moon, the end of the world, menopause...), the subject seems to be a hot topic over the last 3 weeks among circles. And before people begin to start thinking that I deal or that they've seen me on the corner of Armitage and Pulaski flagging down cars saying, "Hey, soldier boy, five dollah, sucky-sucky," I would like to come clean (pardon the pun) once and for all....

So class, what have I already told you about what I do?

-You work in downtown Chicago
-You work in the Sears Tower
-At the beginning of the day, you bend over, grab your ankles tightly and take it up the ass all day

That's absolutely correct. And that's basically all you really need to know. But I guess you want specifics. *sigh* Here it goes:

>>>A good part of my day is dealing with currency (money). To be exact, I myself work with an equivalent of approximately $400 million a day. Every once in a while I get to play with close to the equivalent of ***pinky to edge of mouth in Dr. Evil fashion*** $2 billion . I say equivalent because I deal with currency trading, meaning not just US dollars (USD) but other currencies as well - the Euro (EUR), British Pound (GBP), Japanese Yen (JPY) just to name a few. Currency trading is basically an equation. There are two sides to each transaction (buyer and seller). My job is to make sure both sides are in harmony with each other (gosh, I make it seem like I play the Architect role in that them thur Matrix Reloaded movie, except I don't use the big words he used)

>>>A lot of my leftover time is spent on project management. I manage an expensive piece of software. I make sure that the software meets users' needs and if not, I help in making sure that whatever they need is developed. And if there are issues with the software, I make sure that the issue gets resolved without negative impact to the business work process (simple IT jargon, got it?). To make things more interesting, this software is global in nature; our office in London also uses it. So, if there's a problem in London, they contact me to help fix it which is kewl....but because they're 6 hours ahead of us, time is never my friend

>>>My mornings are spent on the phone talking to my contacts from around the world - New York, San Francisco, London, Germany, Norway. We talk numbers (literally) except with Kurt in which topics range from fantasy football to cheese curds. It's good stuff.

>>>Whatever's left in the day is devoted soley to more important duties - updating my fantasy basketball team (woohoo 1st place), shooting rapid fire e-mails back and forth among VIPs (i.e. Stacey and Becky)...and baking cookies



Daily Fact of the Day: It is not possible to lick your own elbow. Try it. We know you will

Daily Playlist of the... Quarter (huh?): No order, hit shuffle

Same Direction - Hoobastank
Molly's Chamber - Kings of Leon
Reptilla - The Strokes
Crack the Code - 311
Megalomaniac - Incubus
I Hate Everything About You - This CD Sucks 3 Days Grace
One Thing - Finger Eleven
I Believe in a Thing Called Love - The Darkness
I Miss You - Blink 182
Last Train - Lost Prophets
Get Me Outta Here - Jet
They Can't Save Us Now - Kill Hannah
Papercut (live) - Linkin Park
Get Free - The Vines
Saturday Night - Nickelback
Don't Ask Me - OK Go
Gasoline - Audioslave
Half Life - Local H
The Reason - Hoobastank <---- Erwin's You Fucked Up Song

Year of the Monkey

Happy Chinese New Years! To better prepare you for the new year to come, here are some selected monkey facts you need to learn:





Daily Song of the Day: Finger Eleven, One Thing - I love this song! Needs more airplay!

Taken from Reuters:

Rabbi Offers Prayer for Web Porn Browsers

JERUSALEM (Reuters) - An Israeli rabbi has composed a prayer to help devout Jews overcome guilt after visiting porn web sites while browsing the Internet.

"Please God, help me cleanse the computer of viruses and evil photographs which disturb and ruin my work..., so that I shall be able to cleanse myself (of sin)," reads the benediction by Shlomo Eliahu, chief rabbi in the northern town of Safed.

Eliahu, quoted by Israel's largest daily newspaper Yedioth Ahronoth, said he had responded to a deluge of queries from Orthodox Jews worried that the lure of Internet sex sites was putting family relationships at risk.

The rabbi recommends that Jews recite the prayer when they log on to the Internet or even program it to flash up on their computer screens so they are spiritually covered whether they enter a porn site intentionally or by mistake.

Now for a few random thoughts:

I know it's still a few months away, but for shits n' giggles on April Fools' Day, wouldn't it be funny to change a fellow co-worker's screen saver so that the line, "Please God, help me cleanse the computer of viruses and evil photographs which disturb and ruin my work so that I shall be able to cleanse myself of sin" scrolls continuously across his or her workstation?

What a fucked up world we live in. God does not play a role regarding senseless violence among human beings. What makes you think God will play a divine role before, during and after senseless acts of violence committed against animals (i.e. monkey spanking, chicken choking, lizard milking, etc.)?

"Please God, help me cleanse the computer of viruses and evil photographs..." This rabbi guy must think that there's going to be an "e-flood" that will rid pornographic images off all computers by some cataclysmic mass crashing of hard drives. Hey buddy, take a number because let me tell ya, that is sooooooooo *sarcastic* original. I've been asking God for quite some time (since the ending of Fight Club to be exact) to destroy credit institutions and financial bureaus so I am debt-free and have a sparkling credit report again. My prayer hasn't been heard yet, so I highly doubt your minute request will be answered anytime soon.

Planet of the Apes

What are the chances that I stay home to actually watch TV (on a non-wrasslin day mind you) and the normal nighttime lineup is pre-empted by George Bush's State of the Union Address? Is some divine TV power trying to say, "I've given you two signs of the apocalyplse (i.e. The Simple Life and American Idol) and still no one has paid attention to my warnings. The third and final sign will be terrible and will cause much suffering. I unleash...The State of the Union Address. Now feel my wrath beeotch!!!"?

Luckily for me, I was able to soften TV's blow by using the trusty mute button. Just a couple observations:

1. Watching the State of the Union Address is much more bearable and quite amusing muting the TV and listening to the radio instead. It's like watching a really bad samurai Sunday kung-fu movie. For instance, right now, George Bush looks like he's badly lip-syncing I Believe in a Thing Called Love by The Darkness.

2. It's amazing that although it has taken thousands of years to evolve from our primate brethren, Congress has clearly shown that many of us have apes and monkeys as immediate relatives. For instance, George Bush and his cousin, the chimpanzee:



Many times during the Address, El Presidente was interrupted by standing ovations of politicians clapping like wild monkeys. It was all too surreal, much like watching a real-life Planet of the Apes movie. I was sure if I unmuted the TV, I would have heard scores of ooh-ah-ah-oh-ee-ee.

Had I done that though, the world would surely have felt the divine TV power's wrath, and all the world's ass clowns would have faced near-certain extinction. Dammit, another missed opportunity...

Daily Music Review of the Day: Love Song, 311 - Since I like 311, I'm going to keep this short. Today's music is definitely not of the same caliber as that of the past. Case in point - 311 doing a cover of a song by The Cure. The Cure's rendition of Love Song kicks ass. 311's cover of the same song sucks ass

Movie Review: Pirates of the Carribean

Dammit, the moment's passed: I was going to blog last night, giving a critical review of Pirates of the Carribean. It was going to be the greatest literary achievement since Dick and Jane (c'mon, 'See Spot run' - so simple, yet so exhilarating to the mind, body and soul). My movie review would have been the crown jewel of the English language had I worked on it last night. Man, does 24 hours make a difference. Coming home last night from the movie, I barely remembered it; I remember even less tonight which makes Fez me sad because A) my short-term memory sucks and unlike last night, B) I'm sober tonight...sadness takes me over, that son of a beech....

So last night, I got the special privilege of watching an edition of Pirates of the Carribean even rarer than the limited collector's edition of the movie...wait *tear drop*, I'm feeling verklempt, I'll give you a topic, talk amongst yourselves: The Pirates of the Carribean Limited Collector's Edition DVD is neither limited since it was mass produced nor really much of a collector's edition since there's only one version of the movie out there...

Yeah, so unlike the not-so-special special edition, Stacey had the ever-interesting Pirates of the Carribean: Wine Drinkers Edition dvd. Did you know that the movie was originally intended to be similar to Lord of the Rings in that there are also 3 books that make up Pirates of the Carribean?

Book 1. POTC: The Fellowship of Wine
Book 2. POTC: The Two Wine Bottles
Book 3. POTC: The Return of Merlot

As a special feature, there's a gap long enough between books 2 and 3 for you to run out and grab a bottle of wine at your local liquor/drug store. You'll be going for a glass at the end of the movie which also bears some resemblance to LOTR: WARNING - SPOILER BELOW.....

Extreme close-up on the pirate king guy who finally comes out after fixing the eye shadow liner stuff that ran down his face. Pirate Carribean king guy tells fellow pirates to get on their knees and worship him or walk the plank. Camera slowly pans back showing pirate swashbucklers falling to their knees (the choreography was excel-lant). The wave of pirates suddenly stop at two lifesized bottles of wine. The pirate king guy looks at them intently and says that they bow to no one. And then unexpectedly the pirate king guy screws the cork out of 'em (pirate porn music playing in the background, of course).

It was a very climactic ending. Gotta love those alternate endings exclusive to the wine drinker edition dvds.

Daily Quote of the Day: I'm really disturbed about all these priest scandals I keep reading about in the papers. From what I can tell, the average priest is having more sex than I am. - Wilkerson

Learning to Ballet Belay

I've been thinking long and hard (heh, heh, I said long and hard) about New Year's Resolutions lately. There's always the usual weight loss resolution, but other than that, what else do I plan on uhhhh, "resoluting"? Here's one:

Erwin. You need to stop acting gay. So stop acting gay, OK? Just stop acting gay. Please, STOP ACTING GAY!!!

I guess that includes refraining from doing gay things too, like flying kites and carving jack-o'-laterns. I mean, they're not gay to do when you're a kid, but geez, I'm friggin twenty-something years old. That's almost as bad as a grown adult sleeping in bed with a bunch of little kids (ooooh, Michael Jackson dis).

So my first attempt at doing something non-gay involved rock wall climbing and learning to belay (not ballet). The belayer (not balleter) is the person who oversees the person climbing the wall. It was pretty kewl stuff. And actually climbing the wall was kewl too. I learned that not only do I have two left feet, but my uncoordinated self also has two left hands as well. It was good stuff. I'd definitely recommend this non-gay activity.

Daily Quote of the Day: When the Denny's menu says, "Two Eggs, Any Style," don't believe it -- they're lying. Today I tried to order two eggs "doggy style" and they refused. Tomorrow I'm going to try "execution style." - James Rice

Ego Boost

I know it's late, but for my own personal edification, I thought it would be nice to post my mid-year review that I had last week on this bloggy thing. It's kinda like putting your first A++++ test on the fridge (except in my house, where no matter how good you are, it's never going to be good enough):

BH 1: Discuss, Decide and Support

Erwin regularly gathers relevant facts before making a decision, this is especially important in his role as CRDC Coordinator. He is able to make quick decisions and prioritize which is critical in the FNX process. Erwin’s work is solid and well thought out.

BH2: Demonstrate Respect, Candor and Commitment

Erwin is a good listener and treats others respectfully.

BH3: Pursue and Reinforce Collaboration

Erwin has built successful relationships with CISFS personnel (Betty, Courtney, Betsy, Ruth) and IT personnel (Anupam, Tom) which have made him much more effective in his roles. He should continue to do this in other areas of CIS. In his role as CRDC coordinator, he backed up IT’s recommendation to postpone the CRDC rollout until all testing was complete, and effectively communicated this with all relevant parties. Erwin demonstrates strong teamwork skills by frequently assisting or asking to assist co-workers with daily and monthly operational tasks. Erwin is open-minded and listens to others opinions, he should continue to do this while feeling confident to also share his opinions, even if opposing.

BH4: Ensure and Accept Accountability

Erwin demonstrates initiative, frequently takes actions on his own when needed and takes ownership of the tasks assigned to him. He ensures that daily deadlines for FNX, and deadlines for CRDC releases are met. He should continue to seek advice of others when needed to ensure quality results and question others in order to gain a better understanding of a specific process or task. Erwin should continue to be proactive in resolving and tracking settlement issues with Chase and counter parties. Erwin should feel comfortable speaking up about his workload, this will help his manager prioritize and ensure that responsibilities are properly covered.

BH5: Challenge, Innovate, Change

Erwin has a positive attitude and is always willing to learn new things. As Erwin continues his cross training, he should continue to question and challenge current processes or assumptions in order to fully understand and improve upon them.

BH6: Develop and Leverage Deep Customer Insight

Erwin proactively manages customer related issues and understands the importance of it. He will continue to build strength in this competency as he gains experience in his position.

General Comments

Erwin has a very positive attitude and people enjoy working with him. Erwin takes the time to fully understand the processes assigned to him. He is thorough and detailed. Erwin is always willing to take on additional responsibilities and is always open to learning new things.


Please, keep it comin':

Hey Laura,

I just realized that I never got back to you. I know it's late, but here you go:

Erwin is a dream employee from my perspective. He is articulate, sharp, proactive, reliable and pleasant to work with. He wants to understand the business side beyond what is necessary to perform his daily tasks. I really cannot think of anything he needs to work on or address in the coming year.

Again, sorry for the tardiness!

Thanks,
Courtney

How Not to Cope With Stress

In my relatively short life, I've gone through a lot of krap: financial issues, school issues, people issues, life issues, relationship issues, sexual perfo- health issues, and job issues just to name a few. Most of the time when people come to me with their problems, I'm usually pretty good about empathizing with them simply because I've been down the road that they're coming down before or at least something similar to it. When I tell people that there's always hope, I sincerely mean it because if I can go through hell and come back, then they should be able to as well, especially as long as I'm around (it's that whole "friend to the end" trait in me).....

Which brings me to me. Unfortunately, I usually don't have the support I need or as much reassurance as I'd like. But that's OK (I guess). I deal with problems in my sleep, dreaming of the situation and waking up with an answer. That normally works in a fucked up sort of way (why can't I dream of something nice...like jello or something???). And when there is no answer when waking up, that leads to stress. Like this weekend. All weekend long I've been stressed thinking about tomorrow's meeting with our company's CFO about the $500 million project I've been working on. I metaphorically diffuse bombs from going off all day for a living. And this bomb is most likely going to go off.

So how do u deal with that? Here's how I handled it over the weekend:

Went drinking - there's a fine line to drinking to making a problem go away. Drink too little and the harsh reality of spending too much on alcohol adds salt to the wound. Yet if you drink too much, you throw up and waking up with a hangover is not much better

Binge eating - had an omelette on an alcohol-filled stomach for a breakfast and then a huge dinner from Leona's. Great, so I'm not only down about work, but I've also become a human bloatation device as well

Racquetball - my ear was practically taken off, I got a welt on my back that looks just like the Oakley logo, and the fat lip I got looks like a flat tire according to Carl. I know coming out of work I'll be feeling a bit beat-up. I didn't know that I was coming into work looking beat-up too.

Bottom line, folks, don't do this at home. It's just not worth it, man. This made all my sorrows go away...for a quick half-second:

Daily Link of the Day: http://www.pornolize.com Turn even the cleanest, most wholesome websites into something not so pure

Trivial Information

In an attempt to travel and explore what's beyond the Shire, I've been spending some time exploring new lands. Here are the south 'burb-essentials:

TBK (south siiide) - straight down (erg, for Carl since he does not know what "straight" is - vertically along without interference) 111th Street

The Two Three Buck Chuck Store - down 111th, left on SW Highway, another left when you can't go straight (erg, again for the flaming hetro, when you can't go any farther). The homemade ice cream shop is a great rest stop along the way in the winter time. It features Willy the Christmas hamster

Downtown South Suburbs - down 111th Street, right on Ridgeland, left on Rt 83 and then stay straight (silly Carl, turn not gay)




You are Galadriel's Mirrorball. A gift to her from
Sauron in the days when he masked his evil, you
wreak havoc among the weak-minded. The elven
queen herself has been seen sneaking away to
her secret glade to dance the night away to
wicked music. You may be the downfall of
Middle-Earth.


Which completely non-existant Lord of the Rings object are you?
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Death and Despair

It's been awhile, but here comes another installment of So I Was on the Train...

So I was on the train coming home from the place that brings me closer and closer to carpal-tunnel syndrome day by day, minding my own business. I get on the train at Jackson, and get off at Harlem, which is about 15 stops away. To pass time, I normally people watch or mooch off of other people's newspapers and read the headlines (hey, I work in a job that requires me to be frugal). Lately I've been reading books. I finished The Mark of the Grizzly so I didn't have any books to read, and no one had a late-edition newspaper so I couldn't find out what happened in the news today. I guess people-watching was on my agenda tonight.

Anyways, behind me I heard a familiar voice. It was a good friend of mine, Mario. Him, me and a bunch of guys hang around for wrasslin ppvs over at Edmund's house because he does not not have a hot box. I was going to give him a "Hey, wussup," but he was talking to some chick working his Mario magic. I tuned in to his conversation as he unknowingly was giving me tips on how to be like him *sarcastic*. In addition to picking up on his conversation though, I also heard a frantic chick (who we will call 'Frantic Chick')who was sitting behind me leave a voicemail:

Frantic Chick: Pick me up from the Harlem train stop. I'm coming home. Martin hung himself

"Martin" hung himself and this girl behind me is bawling in tears listening to some death metal. Here are my people-watching observations:

-The person sitting next to her decided to give her space and sit somewhere else
-The people on our side of the train were looking down, listening, and looked up every once in a while only to give her a quick glance
-Because it was dark, the people on the other side of the train were staring intently at the window, which they used as a mirror so they could stare at her through a reflection

It's amazing how cruel and cold people can be, especially shortly after the holidays, the season of giving. There is so much insincerity in the world, so much fakeness, so much shallowness. It's a shame people only feel the need to give to others, only because they know they will get something in return, and will feel guilty if they can't return the favor (it is a favor isn't it? if i give you something, you're not obliged to give me something back in return, but not really because my feelings will be hurt if you don't give me anything?). And it's also a shame that we focus and celebrate generosity over a 4 week period. We give to others 4 weeks out of 52 weeks and we're proud of ourselves so we all have one mass celebration all because we weren't being selfish and thought of other people first rather than ourselves for four weeks. But when that four weeks is up, it's OK to go back to being selfish.

And that's exactly what happened. Instead of having compassion for their fellow being, they chose to ignore her and pretend like she never existed. They watched her sob and fight total breakdown. They stared looking stone-faced and indifferent. That's not only cruel, but also sick...

As for me...I thought of how to approach her and wished that I had some kleenex for her tears. Then the person who she left a voicemail for called back and Frantic Chick totally went off on that person. With her being kinda unstable, I guess trying to be a shoulder to cry on wasn't going to happen. Oh well. It seems that considering to comfort her took up much less effort for me than trying to mask the ignorance and selfishness of other people. Sadness takes me over...

Identity Theft

Daily Fact of the Day: If your home phone number is listed, then doing a Google search for your number will generate general directions on how to get to your house...

So, since I have soooo much free time *sarcastic* on my hands, I was curious to find out what would happen if I did a search for me. Doing a google search for my name (in quotes), I was surprised that it pulled up an old website I did for a college class almost 3 years ago. But what about my unique nic that I made up moons ago? Doing a google search for "fatalysis" yielded the following results:

-This blogger site
-My geocities website
-My old site that I used to blog on...

And then the following sites:

-Apparently, I have a friend, Chemical Suicide. Here's a description of this person's link to my site: Fatalysis: A good friend who has lost all concept of self control and empathy. Who are you? And am I good friend because you like to see me self-destruct? I'm confrused...and so are you
-Some government site that has fatalysis as a folder name
-And then this site

Evil Sexy Kitty Holly's World? WTF? OK, I'm a rare medical disease, a side effect to a bond? Can you please be more creative than that? Silly fucktard, that's not what fatalysis is...

2003: Year in Review

Happy New Years everyone! Well, so far, so good. I'm actually awake and alive after celebrating the new year at the Double Door. Note to self: Hosted bar means free drinks. It's good stuff!

As we were inching closer and closer to midnite, I started getting a little sentimental. I'm going to miss 2003. It was a good year for me. After a crappy 2002 when nothing seemed to work out and I was bending over, grabbing my ankles super tight and taking the ass-reaming the world was giving me, 2003 was definitely the year of the comeback. I proved to myself and tried to make it a point to everyone that when you want to take two steps forward, sometimes you need to take one step back. I showed that if you really want something in life, you need to go out there and take it because in this world, nothing is ever just given to you.

2003 was also full of memories and experiences. Being at WrestleMania with over 60,000 wrasslin fans from around the world probably tops the list. But there are tons others. A weekend trip to the San Juan Islands and camping in the middle of an ocean was an experience. Eminem in Detroit. The SummerFest experience in Milwaukee. My 1st time in the friendly confines of Wrigley Field. Sushi. Trader Joe's...Trader Joe's???