Entirely Erwin

Death and Despair

It's been awhile, but here comes another installment of So I Was on the Train...

So I was on the train coming home from the place that brings me closer and closer to carpal-tunnel syndrome day by day, minding my own business. I get on the train at Jackson, and get off at Harlem, which is about 15 stops away. To pass time, I normally people watch or mooch off of other people's newspapers and read the headlines (hey, I work in a job that requires me to be frugal). Lately I've been reading books. I finished The Mark of the Grizzly so I didn't have any books to read, and no one had a late-edition newspaper so I couldn't find out what happened in the news today. I guess people-watching was on my agenda tonight.

Anyways, behind me I heard a familiar voice. It was a good friend of mine, Mario. Him, me and a bunch of guys hang around for wrasslin ppvs over at Edmund's house because he does not not have a hot box. I was going to give him a "Hey, wussup," but he was talking to some chick working his Mario magic. I tuned in to his conversation as he unknowingly was giving me tips on how to be like him *sarcastic*. In addition to picking up on his conversation though, I also heard a frantic chick (who we will call 'Frantic Chick')who was sitting behind me leave a voicemail:

Frantic Chick: Pick me up from the Harlem train stop. I'm coming home. Martin hung himself

"Martin" hung himself and this girl behind me is bawling in tears listening to some death metal. Here are my people-watching observations:

-The person sitting next to her decided to give her space and sit somewhere else
-The people on our side of the train were looking down, listening, and looked up every once in a while only to give her a quick glance
-Because it was dark, the people on the other side of the train were staring intently at the window, which they used as a mirror so they could stare at her through a reflection

It's amazing how cruel and cold people can be, especially shortly after the holidays, the season of giving. There is so much insincerity in the world, so much fakeness, so much shallowness. It's a shame people only feel the need to give to others, only because they know they will get something in return, and will feel guilty if they can't return the favor (it is a favor isn't it? if i give you something, you're not obliged to give me something back in return, but not really because my feelings will be hurt if you don't give me anything?). And it's also a shame that we focus and celebrate generosity over a 4 week period. We give to others 4 weeks out of 52 weeks and we're proud of ourselves so we all have one mass celebration all because we weren't being selfish and thought of other people first rather than ourselves for four weeks. But when that four weeks is up, it's OK to go back to being selfish.

And that's exactly what happened. Instead of having compassion for their fellow being, they chose to ignore her and pretend like she never existed. They watched her sob and fight total breakdown. They stared looking stone-faced and indifferent. That's not only cruel, but also sick...

As for me...I thought of how to approach her and wished that I had some kleenex for her tears. Then the person who she left a voicemail for called back and Frantic Chick totally went off on that person. With her being kinda unstable, I guess trying to be a shoulder to cry on wasn't going to happen. Oh well. It seems that considering to comfort her took up much less effort for me than trying to mask the ignorance and selfishness of other people. Sadness takes me over...