Entirely Erwin

Before There Was Barney...

Had an interesting discussion at work today...wait a minute...(Begin eye-opening moment) I just realized that the only interesting discussions I have at work are with people I don't even work with. What's more, I think I even socialize more with these people than my fellow co-workers. Given that the preferred mode of communication between us is e-mail, I now see why my gradually increasing silence was a department concern. Don't worry, all's well again; complying with the request to remove the 4-foot high wall of storage boxes that enclosed my cube, thus making me virtually non-existant was my way of saying, "See? No weapons of mass destruction. No Osama Bin Laden either." (End eye-opening moment)

Back to today's interesting discussion...while coming to the conclusion that the MS-Paint Diet was healthier and more effective than the Atkins Diet even though there was a side effect that caused people to turn purple, we came upon the topic of Grimace, that loveable, purple, uhhhh, thing that was one of Ronald McDonald's friends during the "Food, Folks and Fun" McDonald's era.



Grimace was truly the prototype of Barney the Dinosaur. He She It was purple, big, slow and dumb. But something about Grimace quite didn't fit in with the rest of the Mc D friends. People could easily relate Birdie to Chicken McNuggets, Burglar to burgers and the Fry Kids to...French Fries. But what about Grimace? Nothing really. Of course, being a little kid watching these commercial, I really didn't care. Food, folks and fun, man...Rock on, Garth! (This is where you mentally respond a la Wayne's World, but we all know you'll end up saying the appropriate response out loud to yourself)...

Now years later and with a super-sized gut, I re-ask the question, "What about Grimace?" And thanks to Becky and Stacey, I now know the answer, though very dark: Grimace was Ronald's bitch; if Ronald was a priest, Grimace would be his favorite altar boy; if Ronald was Michael Jackson, Grimace would be Macauley Culkin and each and everyone of his brothers that came after him; etc. As Becky intelligently pointed out, that was the reason for Grimace's binge-eating which ultimately resulted in its obtuseness (as pictured). This also explains why Grimace waddled like it had something up its ass.

To add further insult to injury, I now theorize the following: To the innocent, Ronald McDonald was known for creating golden arches with his fingers. To the learned and more mature audiences, however, these "golden arches" could be symbolically construed as Ronald producing "golden showers" with an appendage other than his fingers. I therefore theorize that Ronald McDonald was a gay, flaming homosexual. To further support my claim, observe and focus on the shape of Grimace....You're not seeing things, Grimace fits the basic shape of an anal plug. That's why Ronald is so happy to give Grimace a hug. A few minutes after this snapshot was taken, Ronald scaled Mount Butt Plug and impaled himself in a manner similar to a snake engulfing a rat....

Isn't it ironic that we were subjected to this subliminally perverted idea in our youth, yet we all turned out mentally OK? All of us are a bit mental, right?