Entirely Erwin

Homework

No time for a decent post today, working on my boss' performance review. I love the whole idea of 360 degree performance feedback. Doesn't HR know they're setting up a situation very similar to that one Simpsons episode where the Simpsons go for group shock therapy and end up beating the crap out of each other? Wait a minute, there is a method to their madness; by kicking the shiznitt out of everyone else we weed out the weak and hopeless (i.e. twit genocide). And since there's nothing more fun than brutalizing the fucktards of the world, we achieve a more fun and vibrant workplace, which is a companywide objective.

Still, this review is taking a lot longer to do than I thought. Since this is my boss' review and she will ultimately end up seeing what I write, I have to be really prim and proper with my words. Here are a few examples of what I have so far:

"Laura's ability to think “out of the box” gives those who are heavily involved with day-to-day operations alternative points of view when dealing with issues."

Translation: Like hel-lo? My name is Laura and I'm like, your arm chair quarterback and backseat driver rolled up into one or something. Cha, that was like so easy. Duh...


"There have been instances where there was lack of guidance because Laura was not as familiar with certain work processes."

Translation: Laura knows crap about what anyone else does. Take me for example:

Laura: Erwin, what are your primary responsibilities?
Erwin: FNX in the morning and open issues in the afternoon.
Laura: Just those two?
Erwin: Mmm Hmm
Laura: *pauses*That's it?
Erwin: Yup
Laura: O....K....

"Laura’s teamwork skills are good; Laura always looks to involve appropriate individuals when encountering issues she cannot resolve on her own."

Translation: Laura is really good at leaving her work for someone else to do. Especially on Fridays. Because she's doesn't work Fridays.


"Laura needs to be more proactive within the department . As head of operations, Laura needs to take more ownership and accountability."

Translation: Laura needs to actually do work during her 4-day work week instead of planning her next weekend vacation (she has every Friday, Saturday and Sunday off). And being proactive does not mean making more personal calls to "pookie," her latchkey child, and "noodle," her husband.


"Laura does let those within the department know that she is always approachable and makes an effort to let them feel open and comfortable when discussing issues."

Translation: Actually, same response as the first translation. Duh!


"It is OK to share my comments with Laura"

Translation: Yeeah, beeotch, you're going to take my comments and you're going to like it dammit. If you had even a single brain cell, you'd realize that I'm insulting you, but since you are the epitome of twitdom, you're just going to sit there, smile and giggle.

Oh well, gotta get back to work. All work and no play for me. Here, play with monkeys in my absence (Requires Macromedia Flash).