Entirely Erwin

If They Only Knew

For the un-teenth time in the last few days, I got a call from Loyola (sucks) tonight. They've been calling pretty often recently for what I had suspected to be some kind of solicitation for donations. I don't quite understand the cry for help schools use to target their alumni. As an alumnus of a sucky school, why should I feel obliged to give them money? It's a private university, so how much in need could they possibly be? I'd rather give my money to a worthy cause, or at the very least to someone who actually needs the money...

Anyways, instead of screening my calls or picking up the phone and pretending I'm someone else, I actually took the call, hoping it would once and for all make them stop calling. It probably won't, but if word spreads about the call tonight, they won't be calling me for a long time. Here's a general condensed version of the phone dialogue:

Loyola Chick: We're calling to see how you've been doing since graduating a few years back. Do you have a few minutes?
Erwin: Umm, I'm watching WWE Smackdown and this huge fat wrassler guy is about to shove his ass in this other wrassler guy's face. I think I can spare a couple minutes.
Loyola Chick: Well, first of all I just wanted to give you an update on the school of business. We're excited about our new business dean. He went to Loyola and received both his degree in business and his MBA there. He comes to Loyola after spending 25 years at Abbott Laboratories.
Erwin: Really? I have a friend who graduated from Loyola who currently works at Abbott Labs.
Loyola Chick: Oh really? What does she do?
Erwin: Umm, I don't know. I think she bends over and takes it up the ass all day.
*Few seconds of stunned silence*
Loyola Chick: Ummmm....O.......K.....Erwin, can you tell me what you're doing nowadays? Are you working?
Erwin: Yep, I work at a futures and options clearinghouse in downtown Chicago.
Loyola Chick: What do you do there?
Erwin: I bend over AND grab my ankles, and proceed to take it up the ass all day.
*Long silence*
Loyola Chick: O...K...Let me tell you a little bit about myself. I'm a freshmen currently majoring in Communications...Can you tell me about your college experience while at Loyola?
Erwin: Do you like your questions being answered with questions?
Loyola Chick: What?
Erwin: Are you aware that a study was published when I attended Loyola that showed that Loyola students were ranked among the least happiest college students in the state of Illinois?
Loyola Chick: No
Erwin: That study was accurate
*Silence yet again*
Loyola Chick: Can you tell me why you chose Loyola's school of business?
Erwin: Business wasn't my first choice, but it was the quick and easy way out. Loyola made me realize that I was there for the degree, not the education.
*I had sensed the conversation was not going as well as she planned*
Loyola Chick: Can you tell me about any internship experiences you had while at Loyola?
Erwin: I interned at the place that evenutally became my first job out of school. It was quite a learning experience. That's where I began to take it up the ass.
*By this time, Loyola Chick had given up on me and went through the worst telemarketing sales spiel I think I have ever heard*
Loyola Chick: ...Would you like to agree to a small contribution of $150 to Loyola's School of Business Alumni Fund?...
Erwin: Are you also aware that another study was published that showed that Loyola students incurred the greatest amount of debt by the time they had graduated of all schools in the state of Illinois?
Loyola Chick: No
Erwin: That study was also accurate. Have a good night.

Yah, it's times like these that make me proud to be a Loyola alumnus